Can't we be friends? A Parents' Dilemma

Can't We Be Friends?

 At a Christian Bible Study Group the women were discussing the book of Titus, where Paul speaks about the different roles of those within the church. Our group was considering our roles as wives and mothers, based upon these verses:

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.  ~ Titus 2:3-5

Verse 4 tells the older women (that's me) to teach the younger to love their husbands and children.  

I wondered what was actually to be taught about "loving" their husbands. Having been associated with a "Christian" cult group in the past, I have learned to be very careful about what the Bible says, compared with what someone says that is says.    

I wondered if the word for love in this verse is the Greek word agape, the self-sacrificing love that expects nothing in return, as is used throughout the "Love Chapter" of 1 Corinthians 13. Or perhaps in this case it was the word eros, which refers to sexual love. That might make for some lively discussion! 

I was wrong on both counts. The word for love in this verse is philia, which means "affectionate regard, friendship," usually "between equals." 

I checked on my favorite online site for bible study for further information:

The last two words in this verse - translated as "to love their husbands" and  "to love their children," - are philandros and philoteknos. 

These two words do not appear anywhere else in the bible. They are made from two words,

 "philio - aner" and "philio - teknos." 

Hovering the cursor over the word highlights it in red and gives the English meaning:

The two words mean "friend of man," and "friend of children."

Back the Christian women's group. Philandros. Loving our husbands. 

We discussed ways maintain a true friendship with our husbands. Making them feel special.  Finding  their "Love Language." Comparing that friendship to the one we have for our "besties". Preserving friendship with our husbands can so easily be overlooked during our busy lives with small children. We each shared things we enjoy doing with our husbands to uphold that friendship between mom and dad. 

I then asked about our Philoteknos. Enjoying friendship with our children, which can also be difficult to maintain when we're so focused on trying to teach them how to behave.

"I would never try to be friends with my children," said one mom, "I have friends already." Another mom agreed. "You are their PARENT, not their friend!" Insisted a third.

I was not surprised by their comments, considering what Gary Ezzo and  Debi Pearl and many other Christian authors say, but I was troubled. Why would you not consider a friendly relationship with your own children? 
Wouldn't you want to be friends with people you will be living with for twenty years?  

I have been friends with my children since they were nursing babies!
I used to call them my "bosom buddy" or my "breast friend! "And why not? We loved each other and we enjoyed being together every single day. 

Does this mean I had no authority over my children?
Of course not!  Can a hungry infant make himself a sandwich? Can he keep himself clean and warm? Ultimately my child relies totally on whatever I will - or will not - do for him / her. I am in supreme control. 

But in dealing with my children I also follow The Golden Rule:

 “All things, therefore, that you want men to do to you, you also must do to them. This, in fact, is what the Law and the Prophets mean

How I speak to my children, how I teach them and how I correct them - and in fact how I treat  anyone - should reflect the way I would like to be treated.  

Discipline is easier and more effective. 

How do I want to be treated when I am struggling to learn new things? How do I want to be treated when I mess up? 

How can one be an effective disciplinarian and still be friendly?

 

Imagine you have a demanding, critical boss. You are nervous and try to stay away from him or her.  You are afraid to bring bad news. You How do you feel when they are angry? You might feel like you are "walking on eggshells." Some  might call in sick when they aren't sick, feel justified in taking extra-long breaks or stealing from the supply cupboard.  Serves them right for being such a jerk.

But suppose you have a great boss who you really like, and for whom you actually enjoy working? You hate to upset the nice boss, and know things will be all right if you are honest, even when you mess up. 

 Likewise, when you are the "nice boss" over your kids, they're more cooperative with your authority.

In his book On Becoming Babywise, Gary Ezzo, like many Christian authors strongly advises parents to avoid being "buddies" with their children in order to maintain authority over them: 

The idea is especially appealing to a generation that has pondered the considerable lack of friendship with their own parents. However, reducing the parental role to the child's level or raising the child to the status of peer will not, in the end, produce friendship. True friendship cannot be forced before its time.

Ezzo warns that your friendship will "reduce the parental role to the child's level or raise the child to the status of peer." 

His mistake is in confusing a friend with a peer; they are not the same thing.
Peers are persons of equal standing socially or financially - not necessarily your friends.
A friend is someone with whom you have a bond of affection, and not necessarily a peer.
My peers might be those with whom I attend school or work. I will be friendly towards them, but might not socialize outside of work-related activities.
My friends are the people I love to spend time with whether they are 20 years older than me or 20 years younger me. Friends don't necessarily have the same career choice, hobbies, financial status or education as I. One of my dear friends, Mae, is more than 30 years older than me, but I love spending time with her, learning from her and enjoying her sense of humor. 

Even a dog can be "Man's best friend," though clearly one is in authority over his friend.

 And of course the best example is the Lord Jesus Christ, who is the ultimate authority, and yet calls Himself our friend. 

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you. Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends

John 15:13-15

 Buddy Status and Blossoming relationships from the Babywise Book

 In his book On Becoming Babywise, author Gary Ezzo uses fictional characters to demonstrate what he sees as the problem with befriending your children: 

Chelsea's parents understand that virtues must be nurtured into her tiny heart. These virtues are not inherent in her life or any new life. Parents must train these attributes into the heart of their child. Therefore, they must govern and monitor her until they are assured she bears the self-control and moral awareness needed to govern herself....

Back at Marisa's home, her [Attachment Parenting] mom and dad continue to strive for buddy status. They yearn for friendship, elevating Marisa to the level of peer. And  what could be more noble than a family made up of friends? The idea is especially appealing to a generation that has pondered the considerable lack of friendship with their own parents. However, reducing the parental role to the child's level or raising the child to the status of peer will not, in the end, produce friendship. True friendship cannot be forced before its time.

Time and experience are prerequisites for building any friendship. Children enter this world with neither. Wisdom, self-control, and the experiences earned over time must be trained into a child by those granted this unique privilege--the parents... 

Chelsea's [Babywise-following] parents understand this, knowing that friendship with their daughter is a gift that only time can give. In the meantime, they must represent her best interests. They set the pace in chelsea's life and insist upon compliance..... 

By the end of Chelsea's teen years, a beautiful friendship with her parents will begin to blossom. Indeed, this should be every parent's goal. [BW '98, p.25]

By the end of the teen years? 

Time and experience may be prerequisites for friendship, but TWENTY YEARS?

If I had to wait 20 years before I would deem someone worthy of any friendship with me beginning to blossom, I'd have no friends at all!  How hard it must be to live with someone for all those years and not enjoy a friendship with them - until it's time for them to leave.

Ezzo followed his own advice, unfortunately while waiting for that "beautiful friendship to begin to blossom." Now that his daughters are grown, they no longer have any relationship with their parents at all.* He is reaping exactly what he has sown: another generation ... has pondered the considerable lack of friendship with their own parents. 

How very, very sad for them.

 *see www.ezzo.info for details of their estrangement