My Breasts Are A "Prop"?

Gary Ezzo has been known to change the definition of words to suit his own purposes. You can see an example of this in a message written by a former employee. Click here.

In Babywise, he changes the meaning of a number of words to suit his purposes, but in this post we will look at his use of the word "prop".

From On Becoming Babywise:

Sleep Props Hinder Continuous Nighttime Sleep

The typical infant has both the natural ability and the capacity to sleep through the night sometime within the first nine weeks of life. It is an aquired skill which is enhanced by routine...

Sleep cues are influenced (often negatively) by a variety of sleep association props. Some sleep props, such as a special blanket or a stuffed animal, are harmless, while others are addictive....

Let's examine three of the most common negative sleep props.

Intentionally nursing a baby to sleep
Rocking a baby to sleep
Sleeping with your baby (shared sleep)

Why choose a prop? Instead, confidently establish a basic routine to naturally and beautifully enhance restful sleep. Put your baby to bed while both of you are still awake. In this way, baby will establish longer and stronger sleep cycles than if placed in the crib already asleep. Besides, none of the sleep props listed above offer any healthy advantages,. Instead, carefully consider the long term negative effects of sleep props. Vow to avoid them now, and you avoid creating behaviours that later need retraining.

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A quick search of dictionary.com gives us a definition of the word "prop" when used as a noun:
- a stick, rod, pole, beam, or other rigid support.
- a person or thing serving as a support or stay: "His father is his financial prop."

Ezzo seems to be saying a prop is an artificial addition - a hindrance - to good sleeping habits. Nursing, rocking, or sleeping with your baby are called 'negative sleep props' - hindrances to good sleeping habits.
Nursing, rocking and sleeping with babies are natural calming methods used to induce sleep. Almost all parents - human and other mammalian - throughout the world and throughout history instinctively nurse and sleep with babies. Many marsupials rock their babies to sleep by carrying them. It's what mammals do.

Ezzo says 'to naturally and beautifully enhance restful sleep' we must 'establish a basic routine' which involves imposing an unnatural (not occurring in Nature) schedule upon the baby. It requires a separate room, a clock and a crib.

The schedule is called "natural and beautiful" but the naturally occurring behaviour is called the "prop."

There are several other not-occurring-in-Nature props Ezzo deems necessary to raise a child naturally and beautifullly:

pg 130 - Start at one month of age with the playpen. A four-week-old baby can spend some waketime in an infant seat placed inside the plapen in view of a mobile. Also, allow the child to take a nap in the playpen once in a while.
pg 174 - If a child is not comforted by the swing, an infant seat sibling, grandma, or you, consider the crib. At least there he may fall asleep.
pg 188 - For twentieth-century parents, the crib is one of the most basic pieces of baby furniture they will own. Give thought to the one you will buy or borrow. After all, nearly half of you child's existence for the first eighteen months of life will be spent in it.
pg 189 - You will use the infant seat from day one and use it more than any other piece of equipment in the early weeks and months.
pg 190 - Once parents have their infant's eating and sleeping patterns under control, it's time to do the same with waketime activities. This goal is best accomplished by using the playpen, an invaluable piece of equipment.

Notice that last sentence. What is the parent's goal?

Granny Analogy

Granny is moving into a fancy new Home For The Aged.
the Rule Book says:

Elderly people are no longer growing, so they don't need to be fed as often as youngsters. Since Regularity is key to preventing Geriatric Metabolic Chaos, two meals a day is sufficient.
We are very flexible about the time: 6am and 6pm, 7am/7pm, or 8am/pm. A regular routine like this will prevent constipation, indigestion, diabetes and weight gain. These are all common problems among their elderly, but in our experience you can avoid that through regular meals.
If Granny refuses to eat at the meal set out for her, make her wait until the next one. Even Alzheimers clients quickly can learn this fact.
Bedtime will be 2 hours after the meal.

Alzheimers clients can become easily confused and agitated. Regularity sleep habits will minimize this. When a client indicates a desire for staff attention during night hours, staff will use the following method to evaluate need.
1. Listen - for the type of call. This will help us evaluate the client's normal pattern and distinguish the different tones and patterns in the voice.
2. Take Action based on what you have heard and concluded. Just remember, sometimes the best action is no action at all. for example, if granny is clean, fed and ready for bed, let him or her learn to fall asleep in her new surroundings. If you try to comfort your client, you have only succeeded in manipulating him/her sleep - digging that big, black hole of endless sleepless nights into the next several years.
3. Take note of how long your client cries. It might seem difficult, but you may note that the client's outburst really only lasted 10 minutes.

PS
As a matter of hygiene, all male clients must be circumcised. They usually become very agitated during the procedure so restraints will be used. It may seem very traumatic at the time, but they are more scared than in pain. In any case, it doesn't matter because they won't remember it.

My Friend

by
Saralaine Millet


Three years ago my friend could neither speak nor walk
nor even feed herself.
Some said her condition was helpless. I stood by her –
ready to comfort and encourage.
Little by little she came to trust me –
to believe that her needs would always be met,
that I loved her just for herself.
Little by little she began to find that she could help herself.
She took pleasure in each small achievement,
But she clung to me the more fiercely
when she saw that I was as pleased as she.
The going was not always easy.
Often she was tired
and irritable in the evenings.
I felt cranky myself then.
It seemed as if she were daring me to go on calling her my friend.
I sometimes felt like walking out on her,
even though she begged me to stay.
Other times she was bored and frustrated by her immobility.
Icouldn't count the hours I spent rubbing her back,
reading to her,
talking to her.
But it was worth every minute.
My friend is well on her way to becoming a whole person now.
Because I was there when she needed me,
she thinks the world is one great place to be.
Because someone else believed in her,
she now
believes in herself.
Her achievements are impressive: she has learned to speak a new language,
can walk almost as well as I,
has recently found several new friends.
She'll soon forget how much I've done for her these last three years,
but I didn't do it for the thanks I'd get.
I did it
for the joy
of seeing a human being secure in herself,
loving life, and
free, now,
to share her love
with others.
My friend is three years old.
She is my daughter.

Saralaine Millet
Journal of the Canadian Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children, 1978

The Newcomer

The last time a new little fellow joined our family, he arrived right on schedule, after an exhausting but exhiliarating 12 hours. It was the same adjustment: We didn't understand each other. We weren't sure what he wanted; he couldn't understand our words. He didn't always want to sleep when I thought he should. He didn't eat the same food, or at the same times as we like to eat.

How would we begin to understand and communicate our needs to each other. How would we adapt to this new boy? How would he fit into our family, our daily routines?

I should also mention a few more details: when the newcomer arrived he weighed about 130 pounds, and was as tall as me. He had from another country to live with us and learn how to speak English. (Gotcha!)

What would be the best way to welcome this boy into our home and our lives? This is important, because the way we related to him would influence his ideas about what our part of the world is really like. We want him to have a positive experience. We wanted him to feel welcomed, to feel like part of the family, to know that we are happy he has joined us. We want him to feel that this is a nice place to stay.

Naturally, we adapted our home to accomodate this boy. We overlooked his upside down sleeping schedules. We adapted our mealtimes and menus to make his adjustment easier. We spoke differently to him, enunciating clearly, speaking very slowly, using gestures, and choosing our words carefully. It didn't take long before he had adapted to the our world, and our schedules and speech were back to normal.

Adapting our lives to make the newcomer's life was certainly an inconvenience, but we actually enjoyed it. Was this heightened gratification a "pitfall"? Did it make him the center of our family universe? Did it turn him into a tyrant? Did we give up our friends, family, other relationships? No. On the contrary, he loved us, and we loved him, he made many friends here and he enriched our lives. Like any other new addition to the family, he didn't come to try to rule the world. He came to try to fit in, and only wanted the chance to do so.

HOW BABY LIES HURT BABIES

The Babywise book recommends the biological opposite of a mother's natural hormone-driven response. Mothers are more "touchy-feely" than fathers, and seek close emotional attachments with others, especially tiny babies. Ezzo puts limitations on these relationships in the hope of raising a moral child.

1. Ezzo limits feedings.
The book tells parents to start with a schedule on Day One, putting the newborn on a 2 1/2 to three-hour schedule. This may seem reasonable, but biology dictates otherwise. The best way to feed a newborn, fresh from his continuous intrauterine nutrient supply, is early and often. To limit the length or the frequency from day one is a mistake that will affect long term breastfeeding success. Many mothers who follow the Ezzo schedule do well for the first few months, but suddenly around 4-5 months it becomes apparent that their milk supply has dwindled and baby is starving.

2. Ezzo manipulates nap times.
Baby is to be put in the crib, tired or not, where he must learn to fall asleep on schedule. Even if he cried for an hour and has only been asleep 20 minutes, baby is to be woken from his short nap for a scheduled feed.

3. Ezzo is indifferent to a baby's crying. The book explains how to put limits on feedings and naptimes, but then insists parents do nothing to limit the baby's crying.
Ezzo limits those times which are generally pleasant, calming experiences for babies (nursing and sleeping)
but he accepts any amount of distress and crying.

PHYSICAL PROBLEMS:

Malnutrition:
A mother feeding on demand will generally nurse 10 - 12 times per day. The Parent-Directed Feeding schedule limits the number of daily feedings to 8 - 9.5 times. A growing baby deprived of up to four feedings a day will be hungrier than its demand-fed neighbour.
Not only that, but the Ezzo baby will spend up to 4 hours a day crying himself to sleep. Crying uses calories.
The PDF baby whose feedings are limited becomes accustomed to the lessened milk supply, and no longer will cry when hungry.

Emotional Neglect:
a)Since their cries are not answered anyway, they stop crying.

b)Mothers become so accustomed to ignoring the baby's crying that they actually stop hearing it. The mother may actually believe her baby is sleeping through the night because she has trained herself not to hear it. This occurs the same way we stop noticing a clock chiming every hour, or traffic sounds when you live on a busy street, or a rooster crowing at dawn when you live on a farm.

c)A common emotional defense mechanism for feelings of hopelessness is sleep. Babies cannot deal with their feelings of despair so they mentally shut down. Even as adults, people suffering from depression often sleep excessive amounts. Sadly, for the Babywised infant, excessive sleeping is seen as proof of how well the Babywise system 'works.'

HOW BABY LIES HURT MOMMIES

When the new Mommy isn't sure what to do, she turns to the book for answers to her questions. After all, it's written by an expert, or so she presumes. The books promises her that she can prevent problems others have if she follows the rules, so Mommy does everything the book says. She writes the schedule down, and follows it exactly.

Baby's crying is very disturbing though, and Mommy doesn't know what to do. She doesn't realize that she is the only expert of the baby in front of her. The man who wrote the book doesn't know her baby. The book warns her that if she gives in now, her baby will forever be a tyrant, and she will be exhausted from trying to satisfy his ever-increasing demands. So, she witholds her milk from him until the book - and clock - permit her to feed the baby.
The new mommy doesn't realize that her desire to respond to her baby is not a sign that she is weak or emotional, it's just the way women are made to be. But the man who wrote the book and believes God didn't make mistakes, claims a woman's God-given desire to tend to a crying baby is "dangerous." how confusing!

Mommy plans to nurse her baby for a year. She doesn't realize that because she so closely follows the schedule, her milk supply is slowly dwindling. She doesn't understand that by holding off the baby's feedings according tot the clock and not to the baby's needs, her body is not getting the signal - the frequent stimulation - to make more milk. It's as if her body thinks the baby doesn't need it any more. The new mom doesn't know that the AP moms Ezzo criticizes - who nurse as often and as freely as they kiss and cuddle their babies - are also ensuring an ample milk supply by allowing plenty of stimulation to the breasts.

But, new Mom was told that the baby will try to take control and manipulate her with his demands, and if she allows this - if she lets him think he can have his way - he'll soon control the whole family, interrupt everyone's sleep, and ruin her marriage. She knows she must who him who has control, and demand his cooperation, starting with his eating and sleeping schedule.

The book remind the new Mom that her goals are not just for short term goals like breastfeeding, but ultimately she also wants her children to be caring and compassionate. She knows that she must begin NOW, to teach him that he is not the center of the universe. This is accomplished by leaving him alone. As long as his physical needs are met, she can leave him crying because anything else he wants are not "needs."

When baby grows up, he watches and learns every day about caring and loving others. He learn how to ignore his new baby sister's crying just like mommy does.

Peraps he will learn that indifference is the best response to emotional suffering, but physical needs get attention. Therefore, a variety of somatic ailments that will ensure Mommy's attention. Sometimes this means that the need for food carries a lot of power, and he may develop an eating disorder.

According to the author of the book, the God who doesn't make mistakes, made babies in a state of "metabolic chaos" that Mommies must repair through a diligent feeding schedule.
So, their life's journey together begins with working to stabilize baby's metabolism, make the baby cooperate with the schedule, and to show him who is in charge. The baby may be very unhappy and cry a lot, which only proves to Mommy that the book is right. He is already being uncooperative and trying to have his own way.

She doesn't know they could have enjoyed each others company right from the earliest days! Babies are not suicidal metabolic nightmares that need control, they are small humans who will develop their own rythms in life!

Of course the book doesn't tell the new mother that she the AP mother who nurses her baby 2-3 times more than she does, gets 2-3 times as much Prolactin, the Love Hormone, coursing through her veins. That's because the God Who doesn't make mistakes, doesn't want to feel burdened her child, she is so with frequent nursing she is rewarded with calming hormones, and her love flows as freely as her milk.

She doesn't know how sharing a bed with her baby allows her to get more sleep. She hasn't been told about the studies on sleep, and how mothers who sleep with their babies also share sleep cycles with their babies. This means that rather than being woken from a deep sleep to crying from across the hall, co-sleeping moms rouse when their babies do. As soon as baby latches on the breast, both will return to a deep, sound sleep mom as quickly as her baby does.

She doesn't know that nursing mothers sleep in a protective pose, like all mammals do, curling around their young. She doesn't know night nursing helps maintain her milk supply.

She doesn't realize that when the baby sleeps with her, he will sleep anywhere. She doesn't have to get him home to his own bed before naptime. She can have much more freedom if she wasn't tied to the dictates of the clock.

GROWING HUSBANDS GOD'S WAY

~A Parody~

Because every philosophy of marriage has a corresponding pathology, we invite newlyweds to consider, evaluate, and decide for themselves which philosophy is most consistent with biblical thought and what they want their family to be like.
One of the biggest mistakes that couples make when they get married is forgetting that they are individuals first. This should still be your priority. After all, you weren't born married. God did not make both sexes together. He made Adam first, then Eve. God said it was not good for man to be alone, and so he created Eve. This tells us that Eve, who was made for a man knows what is good for a man. This takes great wisdom.

Your new husband should be welcomed in your life, but not the centre of it. You have an obligation to God first, and that relationship should be your first priority.
1. Life doesn't stop when you become a wife. Maintain the relationships you had before you got married.
2. If you had a weekly girl's night before marriage, continue to enjoy that. Your husband will not suffer from being alone one night a week.
3. Continue to be good to yourself. If you bought yourself new clothes or treated yourself to dinner on occasion, continue to do so. You need not lose a sense of who YOU are.
4. Invite some of your best girlfriends over for a meal. Times of hospitality force you to plan your day around serving others as you work to prepare for guests.
5. At the end of each day, spend fifteen minutes talking with God about the day's events. This special ”God and me” time takes place when your husband is home, as a visual expression of your love for God, but he should not join you in this. Tell him, "No. This is my special time with God. I'll spend time with you later, but God comes first." Seeing your love for God will make him feel more secure.

Husbands and Sex
In the last few decades, there have been tremendous changes in our perception of sexual relations. What was once a private matter, rarely mentioned, is now an act that is discussed openly and televised for the world to witness. We have witnessed the degradation of women, the rise in sexual diseases, and teenage pregnancies caused by this trend.

Our marriage management system is the mid-point between overly sexualized marriages, and the tendency of too many couples with busy lives to allow the intimate life to get lost in space. Having marital relations on a regular basis benefits both partners. When hgusbands have their needs met with regularity it builds confidence in the blossoming relationship with his bride. Everyone wins.

With a Biblical mindset we can confidently set a regular routine for marital relations. Couples following the Wife-Directed-Intimacy routine [WDI] don't have the problem of the secularists, who place far too much emphasis on their sexuality, and not enough on the long-term relationship. The marriage management system offers enough stability to keep the marriage strong through the bonds of intimacy, and yet enough flexibility to occasionally allow for you to respond to your husband’s needs at unscheduled time. This is true connectedness, when you meet his physical needs and he learns to co-operate with you.

God is a God of order, not disorder. If you start out having intercourse every time your husband wants it, what then? What will happen when you aren’t available? What about the future? We’ve seen the devastating effects of such thinking. Better to start from day one with a routine that establishes a natural order in the relationship.

While the bible is silent on the issue, we can certainly glean enough from the scriptures to get an understanding of Biblical ethics regarding our marital relations. In Leviticus we see the rule was to abstain from intercourse during the menstrual cycle and for a week afterward. Since most women's menses lasts 4-7 days, God clearly indicates a pattern for intercourse 11-14 days from the first day of the cycle. This establishes for us a biblical routine for marital relations.

Initially, begin having relations every 11 days, gradually stretching that time to two weeks. Occasionally you may offer intercourse sooner, but keep to an 11 day minimum.
Some husbands find this difficult, but as a newlywed he has never experienced such desire before, and may not realize that his libido is not a national emergency. Teach him these life skills. How? By not physically responding to him.
If he fails to make the 11 day minimum, find out why he is taking such an uncooperative stance. Are you forgetting your daily "God and me" time?
Your husband has to learn to cope with frustration on his own, as these are life-long skills. The bible tells us that God gave woman to man as a suitable helper. Your job is to guide him through meeting his needs regularly to a state of metabolic stability.
A woman knows what a man needs, that's why God made Woman. Remember, there was no intercourse until after Eve arrived.
Remember the rules:
Woman, not man decides when it's time for sex.
Woman, not man, decides when sex will begin.
Woman, not man, decides when it will end.