A close bond between a mother and her child is essential. Not only does a mother's love and affection ensure that she maintains a strong desire to care for her baby, it sets the stage for all other relationships throughout the child's life.
You may be familiar with the popular poem "Children Learn What They Live" by Dorothy Law Nolte, PhD , part of which reads,
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.In his attempts to structure babies into his version of a perfect family, Gary Ezzo overlooks - and even sabotages - the close, intimate relationship between mother and child.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
Using the Preparation for Parenting tapes and the Babywise book let's apply his strategies to another, similarly intimate relationship between two people who are just starting out together, and see how we will nuture its growth.
On Becoming Marriage-Wise
Although the primary emphasis of this book is the nurturance of your husband, if you really love your husband, you will give him the gift of love, security and a sense of belonging with the assurance that you really love God. When a man observes the special spiritual relationship his wife has, he is more secure. Without this perception, a low-level anxiety is produced in the man and he feels perpetually on the brink of disaster.
One of the biggest mistakes that couples make when they get married is forgetting that they are individuals first. This should still be your priority. After all, you weren't born married. God did not make both sexes together. He made Adam first, then Eve. God said it was not good for man to be alone, and so he created Eve. This tells us that Eve, who was made for a man knows what is good for a man.
Insecurity is fostered by what is not taking place. To be a good wife, all you need is to continue as before. When you married, you did not stop becoming a sister, a daughter, a friend. Those relationships must be maintained. If you had a weekly night out with the girls before marriage, continue as before. Invite your friends over. Go to your weekly ladies bible study, treat yourself to a new outfit. You need not lose a sense of who YOU are. Your husband will be fine.
At the end of each day, spend 15 minutes in prayer before you go to sleep. This must take place in your husband's presence as a visual expression of your Spirituality. Explain to him, "This is my special time with God. You can ravish me later, but God comes first!" This tangible demonstration is assuring to men.
Your new husband should be welcomed in your life, but not the centre of it. You have an obligation to God first, and that relationship should be your first priority.
Husbands and Sex
In the last few decades, there have been tremendous changes in our perception of sexual relations. What was once a private matter, rarely mentioned, is now an act that is discussed openly and televised for the world to watch. We have witnessed the degradation of women, the rise in sexual diseases, and teenage pregnancies caused by this trend.
Some men emotionally thrive on unrestricted expression of sexuality. A more user-friendly, less fatiguing alternative is available called Wife-Directed Intimacy (WDI).Wife-Directed Intimacy is a daily Marital Management Strategy designed to help wives connect with their husbands and their husbands connect with them. It is a pro-active system approach to meet the needs of both parties. WDI is the center-point between overly sexualized marriages, and the tendency of too many couples with busy lives to allow their intimate life to get lost in space. [BW pg 37] It is couple-oriented, not husband-centred or wife-centred,with enough structure to offer security and order to your husband's desires, yet enough flexibility to give you the freedom to respond to any need, at any time.
With this common sense approach, a wife cooperates with her husband's needs, and her husband, in return, learns to cooperate with his wife's guidance. The result is true connectedness.[BW '98 pg 38]
With WDI, a woman offers sex when he is horny but takes advantage of the first few months to guide her husbands patterns by a basic routine. The difference is profound. WE recognize that BOTH partners will respond to sex cues - not just the wife.[pg 38]
Having marital relations on a regular basis benefits both partners. When husbands have their needs met with regularity it builds confidence in the blossoming relationship with his bride. Everyone wins.
Metabolic Chaos to regularity
With a Biblical mindset we can confidently set a regular routine for marital relations. Couples following the Wife-Directed-Intimacy routine [WDI] don't have the problem of the secularists, who place far too much emphasis on their sexuality, and not enough on the long-term relationship.
God is a God of order, not disorder. If you start out having intercourse every time your husband wants it, what then? What will happen when you aren’t available? What about the future? We’ve seen the devastating effects of such thinking. Better to start from day one with a routine that establishes a natural order in the relationship.
While the bible is silent on the issue, we can certainly glean enough from the scriptures to get an understanding of Biblical ethics regarding our marital relations. In Leviticus we see the rule was to abstain from intercourse during the menstrual cycle and for a week afterward. Since most women's menses lasts 4-7 days, God clearly indicates a pattern for intercourse 11-14 days from the first day of the cycle. This establishes for us a biblical routine for marital relations.
Initially, begin having relations every 11 days, gradually stretching that time to two weeks. Occasionally you may offer intercourse sooner, but keep to an 11 day minimum.
Some husbands find this difficult, but as a newlywed he has never experienced such desire before, and may not realize that his libido is not a national emergency. Teach him these life skills. How? By not physically responding to him.
If he fails to make the 11 day minimum, find out why he is taking such an uncooperative stance.
Are you forgetting your daily "God and me" time? Your husband has to learn to cope with these life-long skills. Remember, there was no intercourse until after Eve arrived. The bible tells us that God made woman for man as a suitable helper. Your job is to help him by meeting his needs regularly to attain a state of metabolic stability. He will be secure because of your regularity, and you will be a confident, well-rested wife knowing that you are meeting his needs, and not being disturbed unneccessarily.
Remember the rules:
Woman, not man decides when it's time for sex.
Woman, not man, decides when sex will begin.
Woman, not man, decides when it will end.