One Lactation Consultant was sharing her exasperation in working with a new mom whose baby was not gaining weight sufficiently. The LC had recommended the mom feed the baby more frequently.
The mother had refused.
Breastfeeding on demand was out of the question. She would agree to any herbal remedies, prescription medicine, or special techniques, but she was a Christian, she explained, and would not feed on demand, because it was not "Godly parenting."
WHAT?!
There's a Godly - and ungodly - way to nurse your baby?!
At the time I read this post, I had been a bible-believing Christian for ten years and a La Leche League Leader for almost twenty years. The LLL Leader who had mentored me through breastfeeding and mothering was also the person who led me to a relationship with Jesus Christ. Prior to that, I had been involved in one of the offshoots of Christianity - misled by one of the popular cults that I won't name - which had guided me into some erroneous doctrine.
But what kind of a crazy mind-control cult could convince parents that feeding a newborn baby when it seems hungry was anti-Christ?
With my background in cults and La Leche League and several years of breastfeeding knowledge and experience, I needed to know more about this!
I immediately began to search and soon found chat-rooms discussing this book called Babywise. The author seemed to have an almost cult-like following of committed believers quoting "For our God is not a god of disorder..." as a reason to put a baby on a strict feeding schedule!
What in the world? That couldn't be right. I had to find out more.
I went to the Christian bookstore to find this book. I found the '95 version and I skimmed through it at the bookstore.
It said that nursing "less than a two-and-a-half-hour interval can wear mom down, often causing a decrease in milk production." That is completely false information.
It said sleeping with your baby is "passively abusive" and would leave children in "a state of abnormal dependency." Nonsense!
It said these children would repeatedly bang their heads on the floor! As a La Leche League Leader for almost 20 years, I had known literally hundreds of moms whose babies slept with them, and never, ever heard of such problems in any La Leche League families.
It said if a two-week-old baby falls asleep while nursing and then wakes up hungry, you must make her wait until the next scheduled feeding. That's just cruel! How could anyone be so heartless? Refuse to feed a newborn baby - because of a clock?
I decided not to purchase the book because I couldn't bear the idea of lining that author's pocket with my money!
I needed to know more about the people who actually do this, so I joined an online group for moms who use the Babywise parenting method. I wasn't the only one questioning - and arguing against - their philosophy. Again and again they would tell the nay-sayers "You cannot criticize it if you haven't even read the book!" So, reluctantly, I bought the book - the newer 1998 version.
I decided to be very open-minded, reading that book as if I were not a mother of six, but a new first-time mom seeking guidance.
As a La Leche League Leader it was difficult to read through all the breastfeeding misinformation and downright lies. The author criticizes the Internationally Board-Certified Lactation Counselors as being "heavily biased in favor of the attachment parenting theories." Mr. Ezzo, who has ZERO training in lactation, refers to the LC's as "the lactation industry" and even claims THEY are the ones lacking "a working understanding of routine breast-feeding dynamics." !!
Admitedly however, as I continued to read I actually thought the book made a lot of sense. Perhaps Ezzo was right. If I had simply been more proactive in aiming for consistent feeding intervals with my babies as the book recommends, perhaps it would have smoothed out their inborn "metabolic chaos" and my little ones might have begun to sleep through the night earlier! I was intrigued by the promises of children who he claimed would be more content, easier to manage, smarter, a joy to behold, and so on!
Then I got to Chapter 8.
Chapter Eight: "When Your Baby Cries."
To summarize this chapter: Ignore your baby's crying.
-If baby cries when you lay him down for a nap, ignore it: that is "normal" crying, because he's "learning a new skill."
-If baby cries in the middle of the nap, ignore it; that is "normal" crying, as he's just coming out of a sleep cycle.
-If baby cries at the end of a nap, ignore it; that is "normal" crying, because it's feeding time. He's just hungry and will be eating, shortly.
-If baby cries after feeding, ignore it; it's his own fault because he didn't finish eating his meal properly. You must not permit him to "snack," so you let him cry to teach him a lesson about finishing his meal properly. (As if snacking is somehow a moral failure for rapidly growing babies!)
-If baby is over eight weeks old and still wants fed during the night, ignore it. It's just a bad habit. Three nights of ignoring the crying should fix it.
-If baby cries for no apparent reason, well, don't fret; that's just what babies do.
He then describes examples of "normal" crying in his own grandchildren. Interestingly, though he claims three nights of crying it out usually puts an end to these struggles, he admits that after three months of consistent "training" all of his grandbabies were still crying occasionally at naptimes. (page 147)
Ezzo describes this method of extinguishing crying as "teaching" your baby the "skill" of sleep.
Your job during this "teaching?" You simply listen to the crying. This is supposedly so you will get to know what's "normal" for your child.
But more likely, this is meant to train your own ears to become immune to the sound. Why? Because the sound of a crying infant naturally upsets people - as it's meant to! - especially the baby's mother! That's why you must train yourself to go against your natural inclination. Ezzo even tells parents that motherly instincts are detrimental to our babies!
He writes, "Mother's decisions without assessment can be dangerous."
and "Emotional mothering can set the stage for child abuse."(page 150)Attempts to comfort and soothe a crying baby are now re-framed as "blocking the baby's cry" - as if by soothing her baby she's somehow obstructing baby's development!
By blocking the cry, mother loses confidence in her own decision making.He even admits that babies who are carried, nursed on demand, and sleep with their mama cry very little - but he claims this is not good, because "this parenting philosophy calls for the suppression of all crying" He doesn't believe a good mother should allow her heartfelt emotions to assist in decision-making! sleep habits are of utmost importance!
She also misses out on assessing the child's real needs.... she probably is missing her baby's primary cues.
To summarize, Chapter 8 actually got to the truth of the Babywise method:
It isn't being fed routinely that trains babies into sleeping, it's being ignored that teaches babies that crying is hopeless.
If quiet nights are your only goal, well, this book can probably help you accomplish that.
Continuing my pursuit
I spent countless hours online reading Ezzo debates, Ezzo support groups, testimonies, and watching some youtube vlogs. The best resource for all things Ezzo is http://www.ezzo.info/
On the online Babywisers support group, someone said, "The Babywise book is really helpful as a guide. The critics don't realize the biblical viewpoint behind the guidelines. If they knew the scriptural reasoning they'd understand why we faithfully follow the program."
So I got on eBay, and purchased a used copy of Preparation for Parenthood course, complete with eight weeks of audio tapes for teaching classes and a study guide.
I listened to the tapes, read the workbook, and studied the scriptures he mentions.
It was all extremely manipulative and very disturbing.
I then purchased:
- Babywise II: Parenting your pre-toddler 5-18 months,
- Preparation for the Toddler years series with book and tapes,
- Childwise,
- "Birth By Design" by Anne Marie Ezzo
To summarize what has caused my crazy obsession Babywise:
1. As a La Leche League Leader, I know
Ezzo's breastfeeding information is terrible.
With no background in infant feeding nor in human lactation, Ezzo has no business writing a book about a feeding program.
With no background in infant feeding nor in human lactation, Ezzo has no business writing a book about a feeding program.
2. As a Christian, I’m concerned that Ezzo
uses scripture out of context to make a point.
{I do the same thing in this very blog!}
Also, scripture tells women to learn about caring for our children from other women, not men (Titus 2:3-5).
{I do the same thing in this very blog!}
Also, scripture tells women to learn about caring for our children from other women, not men (Titus 2:3-5).
3. As an attachment-style parent, I know
Ezzo is either extremely misinformed about what AP entails, or else is lying in order to
mislead parents.
If he’s lying, we can’t trust anything he says. If he’s misinformed, he has no right to author a book criticizing a parenting philosophy about which he knows so little.
If he’s lying, we can’t trust anything he says. If he’s misinformed, he has no right to author a book criticizing a parenting philosophy about which he knows so little.
4. As a mother of six, I know his one-size-fits-all
approach to parenting is unrealistic and rigid.
Every baby is different; every family is different. And my motherly heart breaks for every little crying baby who is being ignored for the sake of a clock.
Every baby is different; every family is different. And my motherly heart breaks for every little crying baby who is being ignored for the sake of a clock.
5. As a former cult member, I see very
cult-like attitudes among the followers of this program. Especially the Prep
for Parenthood because a) its taught in churches as if it's The Truth; and
b) the attendees continue to support each other in enforcing the methods, compared to one who might read the book alone and if dissatisfied, discard it
b) the attendees continue to support each other in enforcing the methods, compared to one who might read the book alone and if dissatisfied, discard it
6. As a trained Psychiatric Nurse, I can accept
his program does indeed "work" but sadly, that's because excessive sleep is a well-known symptom of depresssion.
Sleeping can be a defense mechanism for feelings of hopelessness.
What could be more hopeless than to be a completly helpless newborn, and realize that nobody will come when you call?
Sleeping can be a defense mechanism for feelings of hopelessness.
What could be more hopeless than to be a completly helpless newborn, and realize that nobody will come when you call?
Finally, I want to point out that oftentimes the baby is NOT actually sleeping through the night when the parent claims they are.
- Sometimes the parents are simply lying, because Ezzo and his followers believe difficult nights are proof of bad parenting.
- Sometimes it's because the parents have trained their own ears not to hear it any more. The sounds you deem irrelevant can easily be ignored, just like when you stop noticing traffic or a chiming clock after you become accustomed to it.
I have spent the night at someone's home and witnessed this myself, waking up to a baby crying twice during each night I stayed there. The parents didn't hear a thing.
