The last time a new little fellow joined our family, he arrived right on schedule, after an exhausting but exhiliarating 12 hours.
It was the same adjustment: We didn't understand each other. We weren't sure what he wanted; he couldn't understand our words. He didn't always want to sleep when I thought he should. He didn't eat at the same times as we like to eat - or the same food.
How would we begin to understand and communicate our needs to each other. How would we adapt to this new boy? How would he fit into our family, and our busy daily routine?
We wanted him to have a positive experience. We wanted him to feel welcomed, to feel like part of the family, to know that we were thrilled he had joined us. We wanted him to feel that this is a great place to live.
What would be the best way to welcome this newcomer into our home and our lives? His welcometo the family was important, because the way we related to him would influence his ideas about what our part of the world is really like.
I should also mention a few more details: the newcomer arrived weighing about 130 pounds, was as tall as me and had come from another country to learn English. (Gotcha!) By living with us he would also learn about our culture and customs.
Naturally, we adapted our home to accommodate this boy. We overlooked his upside-down sleeping schedules. We adapted our mealtimes and menus to make his adjustment easier. We spoke differently to him, talking very slowly, choosing our words carefully, enunciating clearly, and using gestures he would understand. With patience and good humor, it wasn't long before he had adapted to the our world, and our schedules and speech were back to normal.
Adapting our lives to make the newcomer's life was certainly an inconvenience, but we actually enjoyed it. ENJOYED it! Was this heightened gratification a "pitfall"?* Did it make him the center of our family universe? Did it turn him into a tyrant, running the household and destroying out unity? Did we give up our friends, family, other relationships? No. On the contrary, he loved us, and we loved him. He made many friends here and he enriched our lives. Like any other new addition to the family, he didn't come to try to rule the world. He came to try to fit in, and only wanted the chance to do so with some extra support from us to get him started.
*Ezzo warns parents that caring for a baby might give you a "heightened gratification" but calls this joy a "pitfall" that hinders your ultimate goals.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
How BABY LIES Hurt Babies
The Babywise book recommends the biological opposite of a mother's natural hormone-driven response. Women in general are more "touchy-feely" than men and seek close emotional attachments with others. Mothers also have hormonal reasons for seeking emotional attachments, especially with their babies.
1.Ezzo puts limitations on the relationships in the hope of raising a moral child. He warns against carrying a baby "too much" and giving it too much attention.
2. Ezzo limits feedings.
The book tells parents to start with a schedule on Day One, putting the newborn on a 2 1/2 to three-hour schedule. This may seem reasonable, but biology dictates otherwise. The best way to feed a newborn, fresh from his continuous intrauterine nutrient supply, is early and often. To limit the length or the frequency from day one is a mistake that will affect long term breastfeeding success. Many mothers who follow the Ezzo schedule do well for the first few months, but suddenly around 4-5 months it becomes apparent that their milk supply has dwindled and baby is starving.
3. Ezzo manipulates nap times.
Baby is to be put in the crib, tired or not, where he must learn to fall asleep on schedule. Even if he cried for an hour and has only been asleep 20 minutes, baby is to be woken from his short nap for a scheduled feed.
4. Ezzo is indifferent to a baby's crying. The book explains how to put limits on feedings and limits on naptimes, but then insists parents do nothing to limit the baby's crying.
Notice that? Ezzo limits those times which are generally pleasant, calming experiences for babies (nursing and sleeping) but any amount of distress and crying is acceptable.
PHYSICAL PROBLEMS:
Malnutrition:
1. A mother feeding on demand will generally nurse 10 - 12 times per day. The Parent-Directed Feeding schedule limits the number of daily feedings to 8 - 9.5 times. A baby deprived of up to four feedings a day will be hungrier than its demand-fed neighbour.
2. Not only that, but the Ezzo baby will spend up to 4 hours a day crying himself to sleep. Crying uses calories.
3. The PDF baby whose crying doesn't bring feedings and whose feedings are limited no longer will cry when hungry as it becomes accustomed to the lesser milk supply. This shows up on the scales around 4-6 months of age, when the baby finally seems to have settled into the routine.
Emotional Neglect:
1) Since their cries are not answered anyway, they stop crying.
2) Mothers become so accustomed to ignoring the baby's crying that they actually stop hearing it. The mother may actually believe her baby is sleeping through the night because she has trained herself not to hear it. This occurs the same way we stop noticing a clock chiming every hour, or traffic sounds when you live on a busy street, or a rooster crowing at dawn when you live on a farm.
3) A common emotional defense mechanism for feelings of hopelessness is sleep. Babies who cannot deal with their feelings of despair will shut down. Adults suffering from depression often sleep excessive amounts. Sadly, for the Babywised infant, excessive sleeping is seen as proof of how well the Babywise system 'works.'
1.Ezzo puts limitations on the relationships in the hope of raising a moral child. He warns against carrying a baby "too much" and giving it too much attention.
2. Ezzo limits feedings.
The book tells parents to start with a schedule on Day One, putting the newborn on a 2 1/2 to three-hour schedule. This may seem reasonable, but biology dictates otherwise. The best way to feed a newborn, fresh from his continuous intrauterine nutrient supply, is early and often. To limit the length or the frequency from day one is a mistake that will affect long term breastfeeding success. Many mothers who follow the Ezzo schedule do well for the first few months, but suddenly around 4-5 months it becomes apparent that their milk supply has dwindled and baby is starving.
3. Ezzo manipulates nap times.
Baby is to be put in the crib, tired or not, where he must learn to fall asleep on schedule. Even if he cried for an hour and has only been asleep 20 minutes, baby is to be woken from his short nap for a scheduled feed.
4. Ezzo is indifferent to a baby's crying. The book explains how to put limits on feedings and limits on naptimes, but then insists parents do nothing to limit the baby's crying.
Notice that? Ezzo limits those times which are generally pleasant, calming experiences for babies (nursing and sleeping) but any amount of distress and crying is acceptable.
PHYSICAL PROBLEMS:
Malnutrition:
1. A mother feeding on demand will generally nurse 10 - 12 times per day. The Parent-Directed Feeding schedule limits the number of daily feedings to 8 - 9.5 times. A baby deprived of up to four feedings a day will be hungrier than its demand-fed neighbour.
2. Not only that, but the Ezzo baby will spend up to 4 hours a day crying himself to sleep. Crying uses calories.
3. The PDF baby whose crying doesn't bring feedings and whose feedings are limited no longer will cry when hungry as it becomes accustomed to the lesser milk supply. This shows up on the scales around 4-6 months of age, when the baby finally seems to have settled into the routine.
Emotional Neglect:
1) Since their cries are not answered anyway, they stop crying.
2) Mothers become so accustomed to ignoring the baby's crying that they actually stop hearing it. The mother may actually believe her baby is sleeping through the night because she has trained herself not to hear it. This occurs the same way we stop noticing a clock chiming every hour, or traffic sounds when you live on a busy street, or a rooster crowing at dawn when you live on a farm.
3) A common emotional defense mechanism for feelings of hopelessness is sleep. Babies who cannot deal with their feelings of despair will shut down. Adults suffering from depression often sleep excessive amounts. Sadly, for the Babywised infant, excessive sleeping is seen as proof of how well the Babywise system 'works.'
How BABY LIES Hurt Mommies
When the new Mommy isn't sure what to do, she turns to the book for answers to her questions. After all, it's written by an expert, or so she presumes. The book promises her that she can prevent all the problems others have if she follows the rules, so Mommy does exactly what the book says. She's glad it's all spelled out so clearly! She writes the schedule down, and follows it perfectly.
Baby's crying is much more difficult to ignore than she expected though. It upsets her and Mommy doesn't know what to do. The book claims that if she gives in now, her baby will forever be a tyrant, and she will be exhausted from trying to satisfy his ever-increasing demands. So she sadly withholds her milk from him until the book - and the clock - permit her to feed the baby.
The new mommy doesn't realize that her desire to respond to her baby is not a sign that she is weak or emotional, it's just the way women are made to be. But the God-fearing man who wrote the book and certainly must believe God didn't make mistakes, claims a woman's desire to comfort a crying baby is "dangerous." He sees her nurturing response not as a God-given gift, but as a design flaw. How confusing! She doesn't realize that she is the expert. She alone knows the baby in her arms better than anyone else. The man who wrote the book doesn't know her baby! But his book makes it sound like this will work for ALL babies, as long as you follows the rules.
Mommy plans to nurse her baby for a year. She doesn't realize that because she so closely follows the schedule, her milk supply is slowly dwindling. She doesn't understand that by holding off the baby's feedings according to the clock and not to the baby's needs, her body is not getting the frequent stimulation - nature's signal - to make more milk. It's as if her body thinks the baby doesn't need it as much. The new mommy doesn't know that the AP moms - those Ezzo criticizes -because they nurse their babies as freely and generously as they kiss and cuddle their babies - are ensuring an ample milk supply by allowing plenty of stimulation to the breasts.
Ezzo doesn't know anything about how lactation works, so he doesn't understand that the more a woman nurses, the more she is flooded with prolactin and oxytocin, hormones that make her feel even more loving and motherly. It's almost as if he doesn't want her to have those loving, nurturing feelings.
According to the God-fearing author of the parenting book, the God who doesn't make mistakes made babies in a state of "metabolic chaos." He says it's Mommy's job to stabilize his metabolism using a feeding schedule. Thus begins their life's journey together, mommy working to repair baby's broken metabolism, getting the baby to cooperate with the schedule, and demonstrating to him who is in charge. She knows she must show him who has control, and demand his cooperation, or he'll soon control the whole family, interrupt their sleep, and ruin her marriage. Since he doesn't do anything but eat and sleep, she must begin by controlling his eating and sleeping schedule. The baby may become very unhappy and cry a lot, which only proves to Mommy that the book is right: He is already uncooperative and trying to have his own way. If she lets him think he can have his way.
The book reminds the new Mom that her goals are not just for short term goals like breastfeeding, but ultimately she parents for long term goals like teaching her children to be caring and compassionate. She must begin NOW to teach him that he is not the center of the universe. This is accomplished by ignoring the baby. As long as his physical needs are met, she can let him cry because anything else he wants are not "needs" so he is not permitted to demand anything more. Mommy is confused. She sometimes wants things that aren't necessarily physical needs. Sometimes she wants conversation. Sometimes she wants to be held. Is that wrong? Sometimes she just wants to hold her baby and nurse him until he falls blissfully to sleep in her arms. She wonders how she can communicate to her baby how much he is loved. Would she feel loved if her husband walked away from her when she was crying?
Sadly, she doesn't know what she doesn't know. They could have enjoyed each other's company right from the earliest days! Nursing her baby, rather than becoming the central focus of the babies routine, could be something that was shared as freely as kisses and cuddles. Babies are not suicidal metabolic nightmares that need control, they are small humans who will develop their own rhythms in life! Because the book says Mommy will get worn out and resentful if she nurses more often, she never does, so she never understands why the AP mother who nurses her baby 2-3 times more often than she does, is not worn out. The AP mom nursing has 2-3 times as much Prolactin, the "Mothering Hormone" coursing through her veins. The loving God Who Doesn't Make Mistakes, doesn't want Mommy to feel burdened by her child, but joyful in mothering him. With frequent nursing she is rewarded with an abundance of calming hormones. Oxytocin, the hormone of love and trust flows as freely as her milk.
She doesn't know night nursing helps maintain her milk supply. She doesn't know how sharing a bed with her baby allows her to get more sleep. She hasn't been told about the studies on sleep, and how mothers who sleep with their babies also share sleep cycles with their babies. This means that rather than being woken from a deep sleep to crying from across the hall, co-sleeping moms rouse when their babies do. As soon as baby latches on the breast, both will return to a deep, sound sleep. She doesn't know that nursing mothers are aware of their babies even in sleep, and like all mammals, she will curl around her baby protectively, never laying on him. The babies who die in parents beds are not breastfed. The babies who die in cribs are alone. She doesn't realize that when the baby sleeps with her, he will happily sleep anywhere. She doesn't have to get him home to his own bed before nap time. She could have much more freedom if she wasn't tied to the dictates of the clock.
Like the book says, as baby grows up, he learns he is not the centre of the universe. He learns about loving others from what he sees in his family. When his new baby sister arrives, he turns a deaf ear to the sound of sister's crying just like mommy does. He has learned that indifference is the proper response to emotional suffering, while only physical needs get attention. Over time, he develops a variety of somatic physical ailments that get Mommy's attention. An eating disorder develops, as the struggle over food gives provides a lot of power over a worried Mommy.
Baby's crying is much more difficult to ignore than she expected though. It upsets her and Mommy doesn't know what to do. The book claims that if she gives in now, her baby will forever be a tyrant, and she will be exhausted from trying to satisfy his ever-increasing demands. So she sadly withholds her milk from him until the book - and the clock - permit her to feed the baby.
The new mommy doesn't realize that her desire to respond to her baby is not a sign that she is weak or emotional, it's just the way women are made to be. But the God-fearing man who wrote the book and certainly must believe God didn't make mistakes, claims a woman's desire to comfort a crying baby is "dangerous." He sees her nurturing response not as a God-given gift, but as a design flaw. How confusing! She doesn't realize that she is the expert. She alone knows the baby in her arms better than anyone else. The man who wrote the book doesn't know her baby! But his book makes it sound like this will work for ALL babies, as long as you follows the rules.
Mommy plans to nurse her baby for a year. She doesn't realize that because she so closely follows the schedule, her milk supply is slowly dwindling. She doesn't understand that by holding off the baby's feedings according to the clock and not to the baby's needs, her body is not getting the frequent stimulation - nature's signal - to make more milk. It's as if her body thinks the baby doesn't need it as much. The new mommy doesn't know that the AP moms - those Ezzo criticizes -because they nurse their babies as freely and generously as they kiss and cuddle their babies - are ensuring an ample milk supply by allowing plenty of stimulation to the breasts.
Ezzo doesn't know anything about how lactation works, so he doesn't understand that the more a woman nurses, the more she is flooded with prolactin and oxytocin, hormones that make her feel even more loving and motherly. It's almost as if he doesn't want her to have those loving, nurturing feelings.
According to the God-fearing author of the parenting book, the God who doesn't make mistakes made babies in a state of "metabolic chaos." He says it's Mommy's job to stabilize his metabolism using a feeding schedule. Thus begins their life's journey together, mommy working to repair baby's broken metabolism, getting the baby to cooperate with the schedule, and demonstrating to him who is in charge. She knows she must show him who has control, and demand his cooperation, or he'll soon control the whole family, interrupt their sleep, and ruin her marriage. Since he doesn't do anything but eat and sleep, she must begin by controlling his eating and sleeping schedule. The baby may become very unhappy and cry a lot, which only proves to Mommy that the book is right: He is already uncooperative and trying to have his own way. If she lets him think he can have his way.
The book reminds the new Mom that her goals are not just for short term goals like breastfeeding, but ultimately she parents for long term goals like teaching her children to be caring and compassionate. She must begin NOW to teach him that he is not the center of the universe. This is accomplished by ignoring the baby. As long as his physical needs are met, she can let him cry because anything else he wants are not "needs" so he is not permitted to demand anything more. Mommy is confused. She sometimes wants things that aren't necessarily physical needs. Sometimes she wants conversation. Sometimes she wants to be held. Is that wrong? Sometimes she just wants to hold her baby and nurse him until he falls blissfully to sleep in her arms. She wonders how she can communicate to her baby how much he is loved. Would she feel loved if her husband walked away from her when she was crying?
Sadly, she doesn't know what she doesn't know. They could have enjoyed each other's company right from the earliest days! Nursing her baby, rather than becoming the central focus of the babies routine, could be something that was shared as freely as kisses and cuddles. Babies are not suicidal metabolic nightmares that need control, they are small humans who will develop their own rhythms in life! Because the book says Mommy will get worn out and resentful if she nurses more often, she never does, so she never understands why the AP mother who nurses her baby 2-3 times more often than she does, is not worn out. The AP mom nursing has 2-3 times as much Prolactin, the "Mothering Hormone" coursing through her veins. The loving God Who Doesn't Make Mistakes, doesn't want Mommy to feel burdened by her child, but joyful in mothering him. With frequent nursing she is rewarded with an abundance of calming hormones. Oxytocin, the hormone of love and trust flows as freely as her milk.
She doesn't know night nursing helps maintain her milk supply. She doesn't know how sharing a bed with her baby allows her to get more sleep. She hasn't been told about the studies on sleep, and how mothers who sleep with their babies also share sleep cycles with their babies. This means that rather than being woken from a deep sleep to crying from across the hall, co-sleeping moms rouse when their babies do. As soon as baby latches on the breast, both will return to a deep, sound sleep. She doesn't know that nursing mothers are aware of their babies even in sleep, and like all mammals, she will curl around her baby protectively, never laying on him. The babies who die in parents beds are not breastfed. The babies who die in cribs are alone. She doesn't realize that when the baby sleeps with her, he will happily sleep anywhere. She doesn't have to get him home to his own bed before nap time. She could have much more freedom if she wasn't tied to the dictates of the clock.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Growing Husbands God's Way
~ A Parody ~
A close bond between a mother and her child is essential. Not only does a mother's love and affection ensure that she maintains a strong desire to care for her baby, it sets the stage for all other relationships throughout the child's life.
You may be familiar with the popular poem "Children Learn What They Live" by Dorothy Law Nolte, PhD , part of which reads,
Using the Preparation for Parenting tapes and the Babywise book let's apply his strategies to another, similarly intimate relationship between two people who are just starting out together, and see how we will nuture its growth.
On Becoming Marriage-Wise
Although the primary emphasis of this book is the nurturance of your husband, if you really love your husband, you will give him the gift of love, security and a sense of belonging with the assurance that you really love God. When a man observes the special spiritual relationship his wife has, he is more secure. Without this perception, a low-level anxiety is produced in the man and he feels perpetually on the brink of disaster.
One of the biggest mistakes that couples make when they get married is forgetting that they are individuals first. This should still be your priority. After all, you weren't born married. God did not make both sexes together. He made Adam first, then Eve. God said it was not good for man to be alone, and so he created Eve. This tells us that Eve, who was made for a man knows what is good for a man.
Insecurity is fostered by what is not taking place. To be a good wife, all you need is to continue as before. When you married, you did not stop becoming a sister, a daughter, a friend. Those relationships must be maintained. If you had a weekly night out with the girls before marriage, continue as before. Invite your friends over. Go to your weekly ladies bible study, treat yourself to a new outfit. You need not lose a sense of who YOU are. Your husband will be fine.
At the end of each day, spend 15 minutes in prayer before you go to sleep. This must take place in your husband's presence as a visual expression of your Spirituality. Explain to him, "This is my special time with God. You can ravish me later, but God comes first!" This tangible demonstration is assuring to men.
Your new husband should be welcomed in your life, but not the centre of it. You have an obligation to God first, and that relationship should be your first priority.
Husbands and Sex
In the last few decades, there have been tremendous changes in our perception of sexual relations. What was once a private matter, rarely mentioned, is now an act that is discussed openly and televised for the world to watch. We have witnessed the degradation of women, the rise in sexual diseases, and teenage pregnancies caused by this trend.
Some men emotionally thrive on unrestricted expression of sexuality. A more user-friendly, less fatiguing alternative is available called Wife-Directed Intimacy (WDI).Wife-Directed Intimacy is a daily Marital Management Strategy designed to help wives connect with their husbands and their husbands connect with them. It is a pro-active system approach to meet the needs of both parties. WDI is the center-point between overly sexualized marriages, and the tendency of too many couples with busy lives to allow their intimate life to get lost in space. [BW pg 37] It is couple-oriented, not husband-centred or wife-centred,with enough structure to offer security and order to your husband's desires, yet enough flexibility to give you the freedom to respond to any need, at any time.
With this common sense approach, a wife cooperates with her husband's needs, and her husband, in return, learns to cooperate with his wife's guidance. The result is true connectedness.[BW '98 pg 38]
With WDI, a woman offers sex when he is horny but takes advantage of the first few months to guide her husbands patterns by a basic routine. The difference is profound. WE recognize that BOTH partners will respond to sex cues - not just the wife.[pg 38]
Having marital relations on a regular basis benefits both partners. When husbands have their needs met with regularity it builds confidence in the blossoming relationship with his bride. Everyone wins.
Metabolic Chaos to regularity
With a Biblical mindset we can confidently set a regular routine for marital relations. Couples following the Wife-Directed-Intimacy routine [WDI] don't have the problem of the secularists, who place far too much emphasis on their sexuality, and not enough on the long-term relationship.
God is a God of order, not disorder. If you start out having intercourse every time your husband wants it, what then? What will happen when you aren’t available? What about the future? We’ve seen the devastating effects of such thinking. Better to start from day one with a routine that establishes a natural order in the relationship.
While the bible is silent on the issue, we can certainly glean enough from the scriptures to get an understanding of Biblical ethics regarding our marital relations. In Leviticus we see the rule was to abstain from intercourse during the menstrual cycle and for a week afterward. Since most women's menses lasts 4-7 days, God clearly indicates a pattern for intercourse 11-14 days from the first day of the cycle. This establishes for us a biblical routine for marital relations.
Initially, begin having relations every 11 days, gradually stretching that time to two weeks. Occasionally you may offer intercourse sooner, but keep to an 11 day minimum.
Some husbands find this difficult, but as a newlywed he has never experienced such desire before, and may not realize that his libido is not a national emergency. Teach him these life skills. How? By not physically responding to him.
If he fails to make the 11 day minimum, find out why he is taking such an uncooperative stance.
Are you forgetting your daily "God and me" time? Your husband has to learn to cope with these life-long skills. Remember, there was no intercourse until after Eve arrived. The bible tells us that God made woman for man as a suitable helper. Your job is to help him by meeting his needs regularly to attain a state of metabolic stability. He will be secure because of your regularity, and you will be a confident, well-rested wife knowing that you are meeting his needs, and not being disturbed unneccessarily.
Remember the rules:
Woman, not man decides when it's time for sex.
Woman, not man, decides when sex will begin.
Woman, not man, decides when it will end.
A close bond between a mother and her child is essential. Not only does a mother's love and affection ensure that she maintains a strong desire to care for her baby, it sets the stage for all other relationships throughout the child's life.
You may be familiar with the popular poem "Children Learn What They Live" by Dorothy Law Nolte, PhD , part of which reads,
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.In his attempts to structure babies into his version of a perfect family, Gary Ezzo overlooks - and even sabotages - the close, intimate relationship between mother and child.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
Using the Preparation for Parenting tapes and the Babywise book let's apply his strategies to another, similarly intimate relationship between two people who are just starting out together, and see how we will nuture its growth.
On Becoming Marriage-Wise
Although the primary emphasis of this book is the nurturance of your husband, if you really love your husband, you will give him the gift of love, security and a sense of belonging with the assurance that you really love God. When a man observes the special spiritual relationship his wife has, he is more secure. Without this perception, a low-level anxiety is produced in the man and he feels perpetually on the brink of disaster.
One of the biggest mistakes that couples make when they get married is forgetting that they are individuals first. This should still be your priority. After all, you weren't born married. God did not make both sexes together. He made Adam first, then Eve. God said it was not good for man to be alone, and so he created Eve. This tells us that Eve, who was made for a man knows what is good for a man.
Insecurity is fostered by what is not taking place. To be a good wife, all you need is to continue as before. When you married, you did not stop becoming a sister, a daughter, a friend. Those relationships must be maintained. If you had a weekly night out with the girls before marriage, continue as before. Invite your friends over. Go to your weekly ladies bible study, treat yourself to a new outfit. You need not lose a sense of who YOU are. Your husband will be fine.
At the end of each day, spend 15 minutes in prayer before you go to sleep. This must take place in your husband's presence as a visual expression of your Spirituality. Explain to him, "This is my special time with God. You can ravish me later, but God comes first!" This tangible demonstration is assuring to men.
Your new husband should be welcomed in your life, but not the centre of it. You have an obligation to God first, and that relationship should be your first priority.
Husbands and Sex
In the last few decades, there have been tremendous changes in our perception of sexual relations. What was once a private matter, rarely mentioned, is now an act that is discussed openly and televised for the world to watch. We have witnessed the degradation of women, the rise in sexual diseases, and teenage pregnancies caused by this trend.
Some men emotionally thrive on unrestricted expression of sexuality. A more user-friendly, less fatiguing alternative is available called Wife-Directed Intimacy (WDI).Wife-Directed Intimacy is a daily Marital Management Strategy designed to help wives connect with their husbands and their husbands connect with them. It is a pro-active system approach to meet the needs of both parties. WDI is the center-point between overly sexualized marriages, and the tendency of too many couples with busy lives to allow their intimate life to get lost in space. [BW pg 37] It is couple-oriented, not husband-centred or wife-centred,with enough structure to offer security and order to your husband's desires, yet enough flexibility to give you the freedom to respond to any need, at any time.
With this common sense approach, a wife cooperates with her husband's needs, and her husband, in return, learns to cooperate with his wife's guidance. The result is true connectedness.[BW '98 pg 38]
With WDI, a woman offers sex when he is horny but takes advantage of the first few months to guide her husbands patterns by a basic routine. The difference is profound. WE recognize that BOTH partners will respond to sex cues - not just the wife.[pg 38]
Having marital relations on a regular basis benefits both partners. When husbands have their needs met with regularity it builds confidence in the blossoming relationship with his bride. Everyone wins.
Metabolic Chaos to regularity
With a Biblical mindset we can confidently set a regular routine for marital relations. Couples following the Wife-Directed-Intimacy routine [WDI] don't have the problem of the secularists, who place far too much emphasis on their sexuality, and not enough on the long-term relationship.
God is a God of order, not disorder. If you start out having intercourse every time your husband wants it, what then? What will happen when you aren’t available? What about the future? We’ve seen the devastating effects of such thinking. Better to start from day one with a routine that establishes a natural order in the relationship.
While the bible is silent on the issue, we can certainly glean enough from the scriptures to get an understanding of Biblical ethics regarding our marital relations. In Leviticus we see the rule was to abstain from intercourse during the menstrual cycle and for a week afterward. Since most women's menses lasts 4-7 days, God clearly indicates a pattern for intercourse 11-14 days from the first day of the cycle. This establishes for us a biblical routine for marital relations.
Initially, begin having relations every 11 days, gradually stretching that time to two weeks. Occasionally you may offer intercourse sooner, but keep to an 11 day minimum.
Some husbands find this difficult, but as a newlywed he has never experienced such desire before, and may not realize that his libido is not a national emergency. Teach him these life skills. How? By not physically responding to him.
If he fails to make the 11 day minimum, find out why he is taking such an uncooperative stance.
Are you forgetting your daily "God and me" time? Your husband has to learn to cope with these life-long skills. Remember, there was no intercourse until after Eve arrived. The bible tells us that God made woman for man as a suitable helper. Your job is to help him by meeting his needs regularly to attain a state of metabolic stability. He will be secure because of your regularity, and you will be a confident, well-rested wife knowing that you are meeting his needs, and not being disturbed unneccessarily.
Remember the rules:
Woman, not man decides when it's time for sex.
Woman, not man, decides when sex will begin.
Woman, not man, decides when it will end.
Children Learn What They Live
by Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.
by Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
The Truth About Child Centred Parenting
It's strange that Gary Ezzo criticizes child - centred parenting as being a dangerous thing for marriage.
Doesn't parenting by definition centre around a child?
Certainly nobody wants to spoil a child by giving them everything they want, but we must remember his book Babywise is about traing newborn infants, who clearly DO require a lot of time and energy for the first while.
With a profound fear of children ruining parents lives, Babywise author Gary Ezzo uses two fictional characters, Chelsea and Marissa, to portray what he sees as the two main types of parenting philosophies and their results.
Chelsea's family follows Ezzo's Infant Management System.
According to Ezzo's fictional description, Chelsea's parents:
-welcome children into the family
- are committed to each other. Every day Chelsea observes her mom and dad relating to one another, confirming their love relationship in the way they talk together, spend time together, and touch.
- work to integrate Chelsea into the existing family structure, so that she learns from the start that giving is equally as important as receiving. She is a joy to have around. She understands she is a member of a family team. She has a sense of belonging and purpose for her life.
- spend many hours each day loving and nurturing her
- they understand that virtues must be nurtured into her tiny heart
- their “we-ism” approach teaches Chelsea to foster close and loving relationships which endure the test of time.
- they govern and monitor her until she bears the self-control and moral awareness needed to govern herself. Freedoms come gradually so Chelsea achieves a sense of affirmation with herself. Those around her find joy in her presence, further enhancing her well-being.
- Understand that wisdom, self-control and experiences earned over time must be trained into a child as prerequisites for building friendship. A beautiful friendship will begin to blossom by the end of Chelsea’s teen years.
- set the pace in Chelsea’s life and insist on compliance, giving her a sense that she belongs to something bigger than herself. She belongs to a family with predetermined guidelines and established order that gives family relationships meaning and purpose.
Marisa's parents practice Attachment-Style Parenting (AP)
In Ezzo's fictional portrayal, Attachment-style parents:
- treat children as center of the family universe.
- When a child enters a family [parents] leave their first love: each other. The spotlight shifts to illuminate the children, and the marriage gets lost in space.
- Pursue the child’s happiness, taking great pains to avoid distress of emotional discomfort in the child’s life.
- Never make her wait for anything. If she wants something, it is given to her on demand.
- Never have an evening out alone together because babysitters make Marisa nervous.
- Cater to her likes and dislikes, stocking their shelves with foods the child prefers.
- [are]unaware of the disabling impact their attitude has on their daughter. Instead of building Marisa into a self-assured adult, they are fostering the emotionally crippling attitude of me-ism. Her self-centered feeling will carry over into every relationship. Other people will not matter to her. She will be ill-prepared for the give-and-take necessary for any healthy, enduring relationship. Given her demeanor, no one may care to help her at all. Her life will be shaped by an endless string of frustrating circumstances.
- Strive for buddy status and yearn for friendship elevating Marisa to the level of peer because “they pondered a considerable lack of friendship with their own parents.” They reduce the parental role to the child’s level or raise the child to the status of peer.
Since both of Gary Ezzo's conclusions come from fictional characters, this blogger also has her own conclusions regarding the ill effects of an Infant Management System on the family:
From Day One Chelsea's well-intentioned parents "trained" her in what they thought was the "skill of sleep." By ignoring her cries, Chelsea learned crying was useless, so she gave up. She now sleeps long stretches in order to cope with feelings of hopelessness and despair, from never knowing when or if her parents would come when she cried. She feels secure in her bed, the one consistent thing in her life. Her parents are proud, being told that this is the result of "right parenting."
The problem is that now she won't sleep anywhere else. Not in her car seat on long drives, not in a hotel, and not at Grandma's house. Chelsea's mother must schedule her entire day around Chelsea's napping and feeding schedule, or deal with a tired, screaming baby in public. Welcome to the circus. Chelsea ruined their attempt at a family camping trip because she was inconsolable when they tried to get her to sleep in the tent.
Because Marisa's security is in trusting her mother to meet her needs, she is content to sleep anywhere. Marisa's mom is free to visit friends, or hang out all day at the art gallery with Marisa sleeping contentedly in a carrier, or go on a train trip. She doesn't have to be home for Marisa's sake. When she want to nurse, Marisa signals, her mother responds. At night, she nurses once or twice but since she sleeps next to her mother, nobody gets out of bed. Marisa's father doesn't even notice when the baby nurses and they've all enjoyed restful nights from Marisa's first week of life. Everyone wins.
Marisa thrives on the routine and what is predictable in her life. When she is hungry, her mother feeds her, when she is tired, she sleeps, knowing all is well in her world. Throughout the day she learns about life from her favorite spot on mom's hip, watching everything her mother does. She hears her mother's conversations. She watches her chop vegetables for dinner and when Daddy comes home, they share a group hug. Her world is interesting and she is content. Trusting and secure in her mother's doting affection and nearly constant presence, Marisa is ready to explore her world.
Chelsea's world is not so secure. Chelsea's mother places her in the crib and walks away. She spends many hours a day in loneliness and isolation. Sometimes when Chelsea cries, her mother comes, sometimes she doesn't. Chelsea is confused by this because she doesn't know that mom's responds according to the time on a clock. While Marisa is happily watching her mother peel carrots from her carrier, Chelsea's day is spent on short, timed teaching sessions such as "blanket training" and "room training" and "playpen time." Even her "Mommy-and-me" time is cut short by the timer.
Chelsea's mother discovered she was expecting another baby much sooner than they had hoped. She was a little worried, after all, she had just managed to get Chelsea sleeping through the night and was finally starting to feel better, no longer getting out of her warm bed at night.
Nobody was getting out of bed during the night at Marisa's house either. Marisa always slept close to her mother at night. Because he was gone all day, Marisa's daddy appreciated having both his wife and child close at night. Marisa's continued night nursing had protected her mom from another pregnancy the natural way. Marisa's mom remained infertile for over 14 months, the average for North American women who nurse on demand.
Marisa's mother is always full of energy, and takes her baby everywhere she goes. The more she nurses her baby, the more her body releases prolactin, the mothering hormone, making her feel so much more patient, calm, and loving toward her baby daughter than she otherwise would. What a wonderful natural system for making infant care feel less burdensome and more rewarding!
Marisa's dad is so proud of his family. His intimate times with his wife are more exciting than ever! With Marisa to consider, their lovemaking happens in different places and times than before, keeping it always fresh and interesting! When he goes to sleep at night, Marisa's father loves to put his protective arm around both his wife and his baby, feeling all is right in his world, too.
Chelsea's mom didn't realize until they had houseguests that Chelsea was not actually sleeping all night. The overnight guests reported that Chelsea's crying woke them twice. Chelsea's mom found it hard to believe because they never hear her cry at night. Chelsea's parents had simply trained their ears not to listen any more, in the same way people can tune out a chiming clock, or the sound of passing trains.
When Marisa reaches her difficult teen years, all the hard work of the early years have paid off! Marisa has a close connection with her parents and security in their unconditional love. She trusts that they accept her no matter what and that solid foundation is what gives her strength to make good decisions. She's not tempted by illicit drugs or alcohol because she would never want to hurt her parents.
When Chelsea is in her teens she understands that her parents' approval is based upon her performance and compliance. Never having been allowed the simplest of choices, she easily falls prey to her peers when they pressure her to use drugs. She doesn't think about her parents - they'll never find out.
Chelsea's parents are worried about their daughter, and waiting for the late teens when a budding friendship will blossom. (BW page 26)
Marisa and her parents have enjoyed buddy status since she was tiny. (pg 25)
Doesn't parenting by definition centre around a child?
Certainly nobody wants to spoil a child by giving them everything they want, but we must remember his book Babywise is about traing newborn infants, who clearly DO require a lot of time and energy for the first while.
With a profound fear of children ruining parents lives, Babywise author Gary Ezzo uses two fictional characters, Chelsea and Marissa, to portray what he sees as the two main types of parenting philosophies and their results.
Chelsea's family follows Ezzo's Infant Management System.
According to Ezzo's fictional description, Chelsea's parents:
-welcome children into the family
- are committed to each other. Every day Chelsea observes her mom and dad relating to one another, confirming their love relationship in the way they talk together, spend time together, and touch.
- work to integrate Chelsea into the existing family structure, so that she learns from the start that giving is equally as important as receiving. She is a joy to have around. She understands she is a member of a family team. She has a sense of belonging and purpose for her life.
- spend many hours each day loving and nurturing her
- they understand that virtues must be nurtured into her tiny heart
- their “we-ism” approach teaches Chelsea to foster close and loving relationships which endure the test of time.
- they govern and monitor her until she bears the self-control and moral awareness needed to govern herself. Freedoms come gradually so Chelsea achieves a sense of affirmation with herself. Those around her find joy in her presence, further enhancing her well-being.
- Understand that wisdom, self-control and experiences earned over time must be trained into a child as prerequisites for building friendship. A beautiful friendship will begin to blossom by the end of Chelsea’s teen years.
- set the pace in Chelsea’s life and insist on compliance, giving her a sense that she belongs to something bigger than herself. She belongs to a family with predetermined guidelines and established order that gives family relationships meaning and purpose.
Marisa's parents practice Attachment-Style Parenting (AP)
In Ezzo's fictional portrayal, Attachment-style parents:
- treat children as center of the family universe.
- When a child enters a family [parents] leave their first love: each other. The spotlight shifts to illuminate the children, and the marriage gets lost in space.
- Pursue the child’s happiness, taking great pains to avoid distress of emotional discomfort in the child’s life.
- Never make her wait for anything. If she wants something, it is given to her on demand.
- Never have an evening out alone together because babysitters make Marisa nervous.
- Cater to her likes and dislikes, stocking their shelves with foods the child prefers.
- [are]unaware of the disabling impact their attitude has on their daughter. Instead of building Marisa into a self-assured adult, they are fostering the emotionally crippling attitude of me-ism. Her self-centered feeling will carry over into every relationship. Other people will not matter to her. She will be ill-prepared for the give-and-take necessary for any healthy, enduring relationship. Given her demeanor, no one may care to help her at all. Her life will be shaped by an endless string of frustrating circumstances.
- Strive for buddy status and yearn for friendship elevating Marisa to the level of peer because “they pondered a considerable lack of friendship with their own parents.” They reduce the parental role to the child’s level or raise the child to the status of peer.
Since both of Gary Ezzo's conclusions come from fictional characters, this blogger also has her own conclusions regarding the ill effects of an Infant Management System on the family:
From Day One Chelsea's well-intentioned parents "trained" her in what they thought was the "skill of sleep." By ignoring her cries, Chelsea learned crying was useless, so she gave up. She now sleeps long stretches in order to cope with feelings of hopelessness and despair, from never knowing when or if her parents would come when she cried. She feels secure in her bed, the one consistent thing in her life. Her parents are proud, being told that this is the result of "right parenting."
The problem is that now she won't sleep anywhere else. Not in her car seat on long drives, not in a hotel, and not at Grandma's house. Chelsea's mother must schedule her entire day around Chelsea's napping and feeding schedule, or deal with a tired, screaming baby in public. Welcome to the circus. Chelsea ruined their attempt at a family camping trip because she was inconsolable when they tried to get her to sleep in the tent.
Because Marisa's security is in trusting her mother to meet her needs, she is content to sleep anywhere. Marisa's mom is free to visit friends, or hang out all day at the art gallery with Marisa sleeping contentedly in a carrier, or go on a train trip. She doesn't have to be home for Marisa's sake. When she want to nurse, Marisa signals, her mother responds. At night, she nurses once or twice but since she sleeps next to her mother, nobody gets out of bed. Marisa's father doesn't even notice when the baby nurses and they've all enjoyed restful nights from Marisa's first week of life. Everyone wins.
Marisa thrives on the routine and what is predictable in her life. When she is hungry, her mother feeds her, when she is tired, she sleeps, knowing all is well in her world. Throughout the day she learns about life from her favorite spot on mom's hip, watching everything her mother does. She hears her mother's conversations. She watches her chop vegetables for dinner and when Daddy comes home, they share a group hug. Her world is interesting and she is content. Trusting and secure in her mother's doting affection and nearly constant presence, Marisa is ready to explore her world.
Chelsea's world is not so secure. Chelsea's mother places her in the crib and walks away. She spends many hours a day in loneliness and isolation. Sometimes when Chelsea cries, her mother comes, sometimes she doesn't. Chelsea is confused by this because she doesn't know that mom's responds according to the time on a clock. While Marisa is happily watching her mother peel carrots from her carrier, Chelsea's day is spent on short, timed teaching sessions such as "blanket training" and "room training" and "playpen time." Even her "Mommy-and-me" time is cut short by the timer.
Chelsea's mother discovered she was expecting another baby much sooner than they had hoped. She was a little worried, after all, she had just managed to get Chelsea sleeping through the night and was finally starting to feel better, no longer getting out of her warm bed at night.
Nobody was getting out of bed during the night at Marisa's house either. Marisa always slept close to her mother at night. Because he was gone all day, Marisa's daddy appreciated having both his wife and child close at night. Marisa's continued night nursing had protected her mom from another pregnancy the natural way. Marisa's mom remained infertile for over 14 months, the average for North American women who nurse on demand.
Marisa's mother is always full of energy, and takes her baby everywhere she goes. The more she nurses her baby, the more her body releases prolactin, the mothering hormone, making her feel so much more patient, calm, and loving toward her baby daughter than she otherwise would. What a wonderful natural system for making infant care feel less burdensome and more rewarding!
Marisa's dad is so proud of his family. His intimate times with his wife are more exciting than ever! With Marisa to consider, their lovemaking happens in different places and times than before, keeping it always fresh and interesting! When he goes to sleep at night, Marisa's father loves to put his protective arm around both his wife and his baby, feeling all is right in his world, too.
Chelsea's mom didn't realize until they had houseguests that Chelsea was not actually sleeping all night. The overnight guests reported that Chelsea's crying woke them twice. Chelsea's mom found it hard to believe because they never hear her cry at night. Chelsea's parents had simply trained their ears not to listen any more, in the same way people can tune out a chiming clock, or the sound of passing trains.
When Marisa reaches her difficult teen years, all the hard work of the early years have paid off! Marisa has a close connection with her parents and security in their unconditional love. She trusts that they accept her no matter what and that solid foundation is what gives her strength to make good decisions. She's not tempted by illicit drugs or alcohol because she would never want to hurt her parents.
When Chelsea is in her teens she understands that her parents' approval is based upon her performance and compliance. Never having been allowed the simplest of choices, she easily falls prey to her peers when they pressure her to use drugs. She doesn't think about her parents - they'll never find out.
Chelsea's parents are worried about their daughter, and waiting for the late teens when a budding friendship will blossom. (BW page 26)
Marisa and her parents have enjoyed buddy status since she was tiny. (pg 25)
The Center Point Between AP and Hyperscheduling
Of the many lies in this book, today's blog entry takes a deeper look at perhaps the biggest, most misleading lie of all: that author Gary Ezzo 's book offers a nice, healthy balance between two parenting extremes:
Attachment Parenting vs. Hyperscheduling
In his book, the author describes Attachment Parenting as
- exhausting for the mother,
- chaotic for the family, and
- confusing for the child.
- offering no regard for the baby's or mother's needs. (pg 31)
His book, of course, offers the solution: The Parent-Directed Feeding plan.
On page 37 Ezzo reassures the reader with the following statement:
From the above statement, we know "hyperscheduling" is extreme. We learn more from page 30:
But does it?
• Some children cry fifteen minutes before falling asleep. Others vary… from five minutes at one naptime to …thirty-five (pg 147)
• Remember, you aren’t training your child not to cry, but training him or her in the skill of sleep. This may be the only time in your baby’s day that the practice of non-intervention is best. (pg 148)
• Mother’s decision without assessment can be dangerous… They should not be driven by their emotions. (pg 150)
• Blocking your child’s cry because you can’t handle it should not be up for consideration. (pg 152)
• Normally it takes three nights before the [middle-of-the-night feeding] habit is broken and is usually accompanied by some crying. Be assured your baby will not remember those nights. (pg 179)
• Be prepared for some crying. In moments of parental stress be comforted in knowing your baby won’t feel abandoned because you have decided that the best thing for him is learning how to fall asleep on his own. (pg 210)
Read that last statement again.
He claims that because YOU have decided to ignore crying, your nine-weeks-old baby comprehends this and won’t feel abandoned. ??
In Conclusion:
1,. Just as in hyperscheduling"The baby’s feelings and emotions were unrecognized" in the Babywise method,
Because AP mothers generally feed their babies whenever they seem to need/want it, Ezzo believes these families lack any kind of structure in their lives, keeping parents "in bondage" to the baby’s demands. Hyperscheduling is the equally extreme in the opposite direction, being overruled by specific and controlled care.
Is Babywise really “the center point” between these two extremes?
Or does Ezzoactually advocate specific and controlled care?
Conclusion 2:
Specific, controlled care rules the day in Babywise, just as in Hyperscheduling.
a) does not recognize emotions and feelings because
b) emotions are over-ruled by specific and controlled care.
Now we will see how Ezzo, like the behaviorists he criticizes as being too rigid, also believes that
c) “this outward structure will produce in the child controlled emotions”.
Babies’ physical health has suffered from the Babywise method, too. The American Academy of Pediatrics issued a statement warning parents of the dangers of strict scheduling resulting in poor weight gain. The policy statement issued in 1997, when Babywise was gaining popularity says,
"Newborns should be nursed whenever they show signs of hunger, such as increased alertness or activity, mouthing, or rooting. Crying is a late indicator of hunger. Newborns
should be nursed approximately eight to 12 times every 24 hours until satiety.”
Unfortunately for the Babywise babies, Ezzo’s program
After feeding, he is happy and enjoys waketime for a short time, then he is put down for a nap... just as he is starting to get hungry. He cries. Nobody comes, because he has to "learn the skill of sleep"
Crying exhausts him and he falls asleep.
But he wakes up an hour later because he's still hungry!
Only, it's still "naptime" according to the clock. So he is ignored to "teach" him how to sleep on schedule.
Repeat.
PDF is the center point between hyperscheduling on one extreme and attachment parenting at the other. It has enough structure to bring security and order to your baby’s world, yet enough flexibility to give mom freedom to respond to any need at any time.
From the above statement, we know "hyperscheduling" is extreme. We learn more from page 30:
In the early years, the first theory was introduced by a group of scientists called behaviorists. Their belief was that a child was molded by his or her environment. The infant’s developing emotions and feelings went unrecognized, over-ruled by specific and controlled care. Such outward structure, behaviorists believed, produced in the child controlled emotions. This was considered desirable.From this paragraph we learn three more factors:
Based on this theory, American mothers in the 1920’s were introduced to a feeding practice called hyperscheduling or clock feeding the baby.
- The infant’s developing emotions were not recognized. Behaviorists did not believe that babies were capable of having feelings or emotions. As a result, many of our grandparents were told that babies cried simply to exercise their lungs.
- The baby’s care was very specific and controlled. Schedules were essential to the new science of baby care, along with sterilization techniques and scientific formulas invented to replace human milk.
- A firmly structured environment would theoretically control behavior. Presumably if life were a predictable regime of order, then the child would naturally become orderly.
But does it?
Factor number 1. What does Babywise have to say about an infant’s developing emotions and feelings? Does Ezzo agree that an infant might have emotions and feeling that need attention?If so, how is the parent to meet these needs?
- child-centered beliefs have encouraged exaggerated concerns about a child’s momentary feelings and emotional well-being (pg 35)
- likely, newborns have zero memory of birth, let alone the ability to recall anxiety (pg 35)
- …he is not as emotionally fragile as attachment theorists believe.. (pg 38)
- On an airplane your infant daughter begins to fuss. You fed her just two hours earlier. Yet failure to act will stress you, not to mention the entire jet full of people. Your solution is simple: consider others. (pg 116) No mention of the baby’s stress!
- When your baby awakens, don’t rush right in to him or her. Any crying will be temporary, lasting from five to forty-five minutes. (pg 123)
- Some parents fear that failing to respond right away will make their baby feel unloved or insecure. On the contrary, it’s cruel not to help your child gain the skill of sleeping through the night. (pg 123)
- When settling for a nap, crying for 15 to 20 minutes is not going to hurt your baby physically or emotionally. Your baby will not… have feelings of rejection... (pg 131)
- Crying… simply because that is what normal, healthy babies do. (pg 137)
- We can assure you of this truth: you will not take pleasure in hearing that [crying]sound, especially if you are first–time parents. (Infers more experienced (ie 'better') parents can ignore it) With a bit of help, you can [know what to do]. He then tells you what to do - which amounts to nothing other than listening to the crying to get accustomed to its sound!(pg 138)
- Does the lack of immediate, ten-second response time create irreversible latent effects on personality development which surface years later, according to attachment theorists? We believe the answer to this question is no.
- Will blocking* baby’s cry be good for him? The answer to this question also is no. [In AP] greater value is placed on suppressing* a child’s cry than teaching good sleep habits [*Note: the words "blocking" and "suppressing" are used to describe a parent's desire to console their crying infant.](pg 139)
- Yes, you can hurt a baby by picking him or her up too much. …There is no evidence proving that crying fosters insecurity. (pg 141)
- “Trainable” cry periods such as those times when you put your baby down for a nap… [don’t] come about due to legitimate need. [Crying at naptime represents an “illegitimate” {ie. emotional} need, so is disregarded in order to “train” the child] (pg 143)
- Identifying and knowing your baby’s cry patterns and disposition will help you learn to discern real needs. [Here he says to simply listen to the crying and note how long it lasts so you can consider it "normal" for your baby! (pg 146)
He gives examples from his own grandchildren:
- Our grandchild, Ashley… just five minutes of crying by four weeks of age. Whitney, Ashley’s sister… would wail ten minutes, stop… and wail ten minutes more, then whimper, then sleep. That lasted twelve weeks. (pg 146) [Baby cries every day at naptime for several weeks and all he does about it is note how she cries, not why.]
- Whitney didn’t have any more or less nutritional or love needs in her life, but she did have by nature a greater disposition for crying. [No attempt was made to adapt to a different baby who cried a lot more, nor was any effort made to find out what might help calm and soothe her. Crying was shrugged off as simply her disposition.] (pg 146)
- Some children have a greater propensity to cry. This is not necessarily a signal that their basic needs are not being met. [What about a child's basic need to feel loved and safe?]
- Katelyn…would climb rapidly from a whimper to a wail, like an F-16 heading into the stratosphere…. Her cry times averaged ten minutes in length at naptime for the first month.
• With the goal of teaching good sleep habits, some temporary crying is preferable over long-term poor sleep skills.
- After three months, crying at naptime was rare for all three grandchildren. [Three months of crying at every naptime was not considered harmful or unusual.]
• Some children cry fifteen minutes before falling asleep. Others vary… from five minutes at one naptime to …thirty-five (pg 147)
• Remember, you aren’t training your child not to cry, but training him or her in the skill of sleep. This may be the only time in your baby’s day that the practice of non-intervention is best. (pg 148)
• Mother’s decision without assessment can be dangerous… They should not be driven by their emotions. (pg 150)
• Blocking your child’s cry because you can’t handle it should not be up for consideration. (pg 152)
• Normally it takes three nights before the [middle-of-the-night feeding] habit is broken and is usually accompanied by some crying. Be assured your baby will not remember those nights. (pg 179)
• Be prepared for some crying. In moments of parental stress be comforted in knowing your baby won’t feel abandoned because you have decided that the best thing for him is learning how to fall asleep on his own. (pg 210)
Read that last statement again.
He claims that because YOU have decided to ignore crying, your nine-weeks-old baby comprehends this and won’t feel abandoned. ??
In Conclusion:
1,. Just as in hyperscheduling"The baby’s feelings and emotions were unrecognized" in the Babywise method,
Factor number 2. What does Babywise have to say about the 2nd problem with hyperscheduling: “…feelings... over-ruled by specific and controlled care.”
Because AP mothers generally feed their babies whenever they seem to need/want it, Ezzo believes these families lack any kind of structure in their lives, keeping parents "in bondage" to the baby’s demands. Hyperscheduling is the equally extreme in the opposite direction, being overruled by specific and controlled care.
Is Babywise really “the center point” between these two extremes?
Or does Ezzoactually advocate specific and controlled care?
- Day one. There’s no better time to begin thinking about your baby’s routine.(pg 107)
- Since most babies do not have the ability to organize their own sleep into healthy patterns, parents must take the lead. (pg 107)
- [Babies] are not capable of regulating their hunger patterns. They need parents to do this for them. Babies also know when they are tired, but they are not capable of establishing stable sleep/wake cycles on their own. Here the parent asserts guidance in place of an infant’s inability to establish his or her own order. (pg 47)
- With the Babywise method a mother is … proactively leading and directing his wake times, nap times, and the rest of his little life. (pg 65)
- If you feel your baby has a need for non-nutritive sucking, a pacifier can meet the need without compromising your routine. (pg 76)
- What is flexibility? ...think of something with a particular shape that can bend and then return to its original shape. Returning is perhaps the most crucial element of flexing. During the critical first weeks of stabilization, you are giving your baby’s routine its shape. Too much “flexibility” in these weeks is viewed by a baby as inconsistency. (pg 109)
- For baby, the stabilization of hunger metabolism as well as stabilized sleep/wake cycles are primary goals. (pg 111)
- Parental intervention is necessary to help stabilize the baby’s digestive metabolism (pg 112)
- … baby is awake and crying. Another thirty minutes are left before his next scheduled feeding. What should you do? (pg 116)
- In following your feeding, wake, and sleep routine for your newborn, you should plan that the last 1- to 1½ hours of your 2½ hour cycle will be for a nap. When moving to a 3-, 3 ½ -, and in time, a 4-hour routine, your baby’s naps will range anywhere from 1 ½ to 2 ½ hours. (pg 130)
- A sample schedule to fill out is provided in the book. He even calls it a schedule, though he uses the word “routine” throughout the rest of the book. (pg 117)
- Your baby’s first year is divided into four basic phases… In this chapter our focus is confined to feeding times and activities related to feeding. In the next chapter we will focus on waketime activities and naptime. (pg 110)
- Start at one month of age with the playpen. (pg 130)
- Once parents have their infant’s eating and sleeping under control, it’s time to do the same with waketime activities. This goal is best accomplished by using the playpen, an invaluable piece of equipment…. (pg 190)
- Playpen time may begin as soon as the baby has alert waketimes of fifteen to thirty minutes. At least one of those waketimes each day can be spent in the playpen. By two months of age, the playpen should be a well-established part of your baby’s routine. (pg191)
- Rule 1: Mom, not baby, decides when the nap starts. Rule 2: Mom, not baby, decides when the nap ends. (pg 133)
Conclusion 2:
Specific, controlled care rules the day in Babywise, just as in Hyperscheduling.
Factor number 3. How does Babywise avoid the third problem with hyperscheduling… “Their belief was that a child was molded by his or her environment. The infant’s developing emotions and feelings went unrecognized, over-ruled by specific and controlled care. Such outward structure, behaviorists believed, produced in the child controlled emotions.”?
Unfortunately, we have already seen that Ezzo’s program:a) does not recognize emotions and feelings because
b) emotions are over-ruled by specific and controlled care.
Now we will see how Ezzo, like the behaviorists he criticizes as being too rigid, also believes that
c) “this outward structure will produce in the child controlled emotions”.
- One day people will stop you on the street, at the grocery store, and in the church nursery to comment, “Your baby is so content.” Then they will insult you with the following statement: “You are so lucky to have such an easy baby.” Luck has nothing to do with [it] – right parenting does. - From the book’s Preface, (pg 16)
- Chelsea learns from the start that giving is equally as important as receiving… She is a joy to have around… understands she is a member of a family team… has a sense of belonging and purpose for her life… a sense that she belongs to something bigger than herself fosters close and loving relationships which endure the test of time… bears the self-control and moral awareness need to govern herself… achieves a sense of affirmation with herself. Those around her find joy in her presence, further enhancing her well-being… wisdom, self-control… are trained into her as prerequisites for building friendship…. From established order that gives family relationships meaning and purpose. – From Chapter 2’s comparison to Marisa.
- Children with healthy sleep patterns clearly had higher IQ’s than children who did not sleep well.. (pg 53) Nobody would argue this. Except that the book does not deal with school aged children, it deals with infancy. Ezzo does not differentiate between them.
- Children who have healthy sleep habits are optimally awake and optimally alert to interact with their environment. These children are self-assured and happy, less demanding, and more sociable; they have longer attention spans, and as a result, become faster learners. (pg 53)
- Healthy sleep positively effects neurologic[sic] development and appears to be the right medicine for the prevention of many learning and behavioral deficiencies (pg 54)
- With parent-directed feeding, your baby wins the ribbon of confidence knowing that you indeed are in control.(pg 108)
- PDF babies move naturally from dependence to independence because the nature of the program fosters relational security. (pg 139)
- We are not trying to express an inevitable cause-and-effect relationship between a fat baby and a fat adolescent later on. However, poor eating habits in infancy may result in eventual obesity. Overfeeding or disregarding healthy eating patterns early on could be to blame. (pg 140)
- Infants on a routine grow confident and secure in that routine. Their lives have order, and they learn the lesson of flexibility early in life. Babies who settle into regular and predictable rhythms of activity develop greater tolerance to frustration and learn to use modes of communication other than crying. (pg 141)
CONCLUSION: Gary Ezzo, despite his promise of offering a perfect compromise between two extremes, actually promotes the type of hyperscheduling he criticizes as being too rigid and controlling, with little regard for the infant’s emotional health.
Babies’ physical health has suffered from the Babywise method, too. The American Academy of Pediatrics issued a statement warning parents of the dangers of strict scheduling resulting in poor weight gain. The policy statement issued in 1997, when Babywise was gaining popularity says,
"Newborns should be nursed whenever they show signs of hunger, such as increased alertness or activity, mouthing, or rooting. Crying is a late indicator of hunger. Newborns
should be nursed approximately eight to 12 times every 24 hours until satiety.”
Unfortunately for the Babywise babies, Ezzo’s program
- Does not allow any more than nine feedings in 24 hours.
- Teaches that crying is mainly indicative of tiredness. Tired babies are put in bed, unfed.
- Makes it difficult to see those signs of hunger such as increased alertness, mouthing, rooting, because these behaviors are most likely to show up during the "sleep" portion of the eat/play/sleep cycle, when baby is being ignored.
Baby is supposed to be "learning" how to fall asleep and stay asleep. Parents are supposed to be "teaching the skill" of sleep. This is accomplished by ignoring naptime crying until baby exhausts himself and falls asleep.
Suppose baby wakes during his scheduled "Sleep-time" because he is HUNGRY from the energy he expended while crying?
Suppose baby wakes during his scheduled "Sleep-time" because he is HUNGRY from the energy he expended while crying?
Remember, if baby is waking up cranky or crying, he is most likely not getting enough sleep. Even though he may cry, your baby will probably go right back to sleep in ten minutes for another thirty to forty minutes of rest. (pg 134)Parents are ignoring crying to teach baby "it's naptime." Baby is rooting and mouthing and active and then crying but parents do not SEE this behavior because they are "teaching the skill" of sleep by ignoring this fussing. Hunger signs are missed, baby falls asleep again, and must wait until scheduled feeding time.
After feeding, he is happy and enjoys waketime for a short time, then he is put down for a nap... just as he is starting to get hungry. He cries. Nobody comes, because he has to "learn the skill of sleep"
Crying exhausts him and he falls asleep.
But he wakes up an hour later because he's still hungry!
Only, it's still "naptime" according to the clock. So he is ignored to "teach" him how to sleep on schedule.
Repeat.
Chapter 4 Baby Lies (Lies #15 - #22)
Chapter 4 – Facts on Feeding
In this chapter, Ezzo explains the way he sees different parenting philosophies - namely Attachment Parenting vs. his own Parent-Directed Feeding Method- affect the success of breastfeeding.
Lie #15; Page 63, Babywise
"Quite possibly the decision to quit breastfeeding actually is a disturbing necessity for distraught and fatigued moms unable to cope with endless demands created by a faulty parenting philosophy".
Quite possibly the faulty philosophy is one in which the clock, rather than compassion, determines a parent's response to her baby!
It was during the days of strict scheduling set up by doctors in the 40's that breastfeeding rates declined, but Ezzo promotes this same philosophy. "Distraught and fatigued" moms are unable to cope with listening to a baby cry when you can't do anything about it. With the PDF schedule, nursing freely is not an option. I say "nursing" as opposed to 'breastfeeding' because 'nursing' also means caregiving. And nursing a baby soothes the mother as much as it soothes a baby because it produces calming hormones such as Prolactin, Oxytocin and CCK in both. It wasn't until there was an alternative to the breast, that the we used the word breastfeeding to differentiate from the more popular alternative.
Possible Lie # 16; Page 63
And while the national average was 21.6% of mothers breast-feeding into the fifth month, a full 70% of PDF mothers continued into the fifth and sixth month. On the average, PDF moms breast-feed 33.2 weeks.
Ezzo makes it appear that PDF is more likely to lead to longer breastfeeding by comparing the national average (no references are given), to his own survey of PDF mothers. In online parenting forums for PDF parents, former Babywise parents, and lactation consultants, there appears to be few PDF mothers who are able to maintain an adequate milk supply beyond 4-5 months. He also fails to mention that the AP mothers he so strongly criticizes, have a 98% breastfeeding rate at one year of age.
Frequent lactation in the early weeks optimizes production for the long term. In “Counseling the Nursing Mother,” under the heading “Adequate Milk Supply” it says:
Under the heading “Frequency of Nursings” the same book states:
Ezzo’s minimum spacing on the PDF routine is 2½ hours between feedings, which only allows for a maximum of 9 feedings a day. On page 118 he provides a sample schedule you can personalize. “This work sheet is based on eight feedings in a 24-hour period,” he says, “and is a guide for your first six to eight weeks.
Lie #17; Page 64
The routine for these [PDF] moms provides greater understanding of their babies’ needs and helps them connect with their baby sooner.
It is not a routine that helps you connect with another human being, it is communication. The mother who pays attention to her baby’s nonverbal communication is the one who connects sooner, not the mother who is paying attention to the time on the clock!
Lie # 18; Page 64
Responding promptly to a newborn’s hunger cues is also a central part of Parent directed Feeding.
and
Lie # 19; Page 65
Demand feedings more standard, moderate approach… instructs parents to feed their babies every two to three hours based on the baby’s hunger cues … PDF parents will feed their babies on a flexible routine every two to three hours based on the same cues. In terms of nutrition and response, both methods are the same…
These statements attempt to prove that Ezzo’s PDF method is responsive to baby’s cues and offers frequent feeds to the baby, similar to Demand-Feeding. Unfortunately however, this is not the case. The PDF method does not allow feeding routinely every 2 hours, nor does it allow opportunity for mothers to recognize many of the baby’s hunger cues. (See my HUNGER CUES post.)
Possible Lie # 20; page 65
Weak and sickly babies may not have the energy to cry let alone signal a need for food. That is why exclusive cue-response feeding can lead to infant dehydration, low weight gain, and frustration and fatigue for both mother and baby.
This is more of a misleading comment than a lie, in order to scare mothers away from response-feeding. There have been cases where sickly babies have been underfed because they have not demanded to nurse often enough, which is why the AAP statement says “In the early weeks after birth, nondemanding babies should be aroused to feed if 4 hours have elapsed since the last nursing.”
Part of the problem is that new mothers may not realize that the nursing cue is not crying, as Ezzo suggests, but mouthing, rooting, increased restlessness, etc., as stated by the AAP.
Ezzo’s statement that “the baby may not have energy to cry, let alone signal a need for food,” shows that he doesn't understand or agree with the AAP that crying is a late signal of hunger.
Lie # 21 Page 66
Babies provide parents two sets of response cues—those that are immediate need… and those that represent a parenting style.
In this paragraph Ezzo says that some nighttime cues are legitimate “need for food” cues, but if a baby continues to nurse during the night at three months, it’s the result of poor parenting. “A baby nursing for comfort so many times during the night is a cue that your parenting style during the day may be causing too much discomfort.” It is unclear what exactly parents do to cause discomfort, but it is implied that nursing on demand is the problem. He says that when babies sleep through the night on his program, “This is a healthy response signaling that their tummies are content and their hearts are secure in mom and dad’s parenting.” It is also unclear how babies are more secure in their parents by not being fed during the night.
“Parents must learn how to distinguish between immediate need cues and parenting style cues. Both are important. One is for short-term benefit and one is for long-term goal.”
AP parents would agree with that. Getting your baby to sleep through the night by eight weeks is a short-term goal. The long-term goal is a relationship with your child based on communication, love, and security, which is more important than achieving uninterrupted sleep if it means someone gets hurt in the process.
Since no further instruction is given regarding the “parenting-style cues,” the reader will assume that hunger cues occurring outside of feeding times must be indicative of poor parenting.
Milk Production, page 67:
The following excerpts indicate a very poor understanding of the mechanics of lactation.
Certainly a mother who takes her baby to breast seven times a day will produce more milk than the one who offers only two feedings. However, there are limits. A mother who takes her baby to her breast twelve, fifteen, or twenty times a day will not necessarily produce any more milk than the mom who takes her baby to breast eight or nine times a day.
It’s true that the mother may be able to produce enough milk nursing eight or nine times a day. Many women do. But just as many women need to nurse much more often to produce the same amount of milk. Lactating women can have a 300% difference in the amount of milk they store in the breast. This doesn’t mean they were unable to produce sufficient milk, only that they needed to nurse more frequently – fill their tanks more often, so to speak - than their larger-capacity sisters. This is not a supply problem - unless she is trying to follow the Babywise schedule. Tall or short, black or white, blonde or redhead, women are different but they are all capable of nursing their babies, provided they nurse as much as they need to. The baby is the best guide as to how often this needs to be.
The problem isn’t the amount of milk overall, but the quality of the milk taken in by baby. First, babies on a routine of fewer feedings will take in more calories at each of those set feedings than babies who feed ad lib. The difference here is qualitative feeding, as with a baby on a routine; versus quantitative feeding, meaning more feedings at lesser quality.
Here Ezzo implies that the quality of breastmilk is improved by withholding it until 3 hours have passed. Most nutritionists will tell their clients that snacking is a healthy practice as long as the food is nutritious – referring to adults who are no longer growing! Babies are growing at a rapid rate and like teenagers, often need extra snacks when going through a growth spurt.
With qualitative feeding, you eliminate the need for continual snacking. Many feedings become exactly that. Baby feels like a little something to tide her over. No meal is desired. Such snack feeding provides baby only a partial meal consisting of the lower-calorie foremilk and not the higher-calorie hindmilk essential for growth. Mom thinks she’s doing more for baby through endless breast availability. In actuality, she’s delivering less than her best. Baby often quits suckling before optimum nourishment is offered. How disheartening for both.
Baby may indeed need more than a little something to tide her over. She may be thirsty, and the lower-calorie foremilk is exactly what she needs. This is not a “partial meal” but an important way of meeting the baby’s fluid requirements as well as assuring an ample milk supply. The mother is not "delivering less than her best;" she is delivering exactly what her baby needs. If the baby quits suckling it’s because he or she doesn’t need any hindmilk at that time.
Lie #22
Too many snack feedings, with two little time in between, may reduce proper stimulation.
The best way to insure an ample milk supply is by more frequent nursing. The breasts produce milk in response to nipple stimulation, which has nothing to do with a time lapse between feedings. Women can nurse twins or triplets because there is two or three times as much suckling at the breast.
If “too little time” between feedings can “reduce proper stimulation” it makes no sense that he tells mothers to add an extra feeding when the supply is low, on page 102.
In this chapter, Ezzo explains the way he sees different parenting philosophies - namely Attachment Parenting vs. his own Parent-Directed Feeding Method- affect the success of breastfeeding.
Lie #15; Page 63, Babywise
"Quite possibly the decision to quit breastfeeding actually is a disturbing necessity for distraught and fatigued moms unable to cope with endless demands created by a faulty parenting philosophy".
Quite possibly the faulty philosophy is one in which the clock, rather than compassion, determines a parent's response to her baby!
It was during the days of strict scheduling set up by doctors in the 40's that breastfeeding rates declined, but Ezzo promotes this same philosophy. "Distraught and fatigued" moms are unable to cope with listening to a baby cry when you can't do anything about it. With the PDF schedule, nursing freely is not an option. I say "nursing" as opposed to 'breastfeeding' because 'nursing' also means caregiving. And nursing a baby soothes the mother as much as it soothes a baby because it produces calming hormones such as Prolactin, Oxytocin and CCK in both. It wasn't until there was an alternative to the breast, that the we used the word breastfeeding to differentiate from the more popular alternative.
Possible Lie # 16; Page 63
And while the national average was 21.6% of mothers breast-feeding into the fifth month, a full 70% of PDF mothers continued into the fifth and sixth month. On the average, PDF moms breast-feed 33.2 weeks.
Ezzo makes it appear that PDF is more likely to lead to longer breastfeeding by comparing the national average (no references are given), to his own survey of PDF mothers. In online parenting forums for PDF parents, former Babywise parents, and lactation consultants, there appears to be few PDF mothers who are able to maintain an adequate milk supply beyond 4-5 months. He also fails to mention that the AP mothers he so strongly criticizes, have a 98% breastfeeding rate at one year of age.
Frequent lactation in the early weeks optimizes production for the long term. In “Counseling the Nursing Mother,” under the heading “Adequate Milk Supply” it says:
When a baby nurses frequently, there is greater nipple stimulation and consequently greater milk production. Mothers need to know that suckling makes milk. Specifically, then, what can a mother do to ensure that she has a sufficient supply of breast milk for her baby? She can nurse her baby frequently, offering both breasts at a feeding and keeping her baby on each breast long enough to empty it and assure that more milk will be produced. She can avoid missed feedings, especially in the early months when she is still establishing her milk supply.
Under the heading “Frequency of Nursings” the same book states:
During the first month, nursing frequency for a healthy fully developed baby may range from 8-14 feedings daily, with most babies requiring 10 or 12. …A mother should not be alarmed, however, if her baby wants to nurse as often as every hour or hour and a half during the day or several times during the night. Every baby’s needs are different and the mother should remain flexible to meet her own baby’s requirements.
Ezzo’s minimum spacing on the PDF routine is 2½ hours between feedings, which only allows for a maximum of 9 feedings a day. On page 118 he provides a sample schedule you can personalize. “This work sheet is based on eight feedings in a 24-hour period,” he says, “and is a guide for your first six to eight weeks.
Lie #17; Page 64
The routine for these [PDF] moms provides greater understanding of their babies’ needs and helps them connect with their baby sooner.
It is not a routine that helps you connect with another human being, it is communication. The mother who pays attention to her baby’s nonverbal communication is the one who connects sooner, not the mother who is paying attention to the time on the clock!
Lie # 18; Page 64
Responding promptly to a newborn’s hunger cues is also a central part of Parent directed Feeding.
and
Lie # 19; Page 65
Demand feedings more standard, moderate approach… instructs parents to feed their babies every two to three hours based on the baby’s hunger cues … PDF parents will feed their babies on a flexible routine every two to three hours based on the same cues. In terms of nutrition and response, both methods are the same…
These statements attempt to prove that Ezzo’s PDF method is responsive to baby’s cues and offers frequent feeds to the baby, similar to Demand-Feeding. Unfortunately however, this is not the case. The PDF method does not allow feeding routinely every 2 hours, nor does it allow opportunity for mothers to recognize many of the baby’s hunger cues. (See my HUNGER CUES post.)
Possible Lie # 20; page 65
Weak and sickly babies may not have the energy to cry let alone signal a need for food. That is why exclusive cue-response feeding can lead to infant dehydration, low weight gain, and frustration and fatigue for both mother and baby.
This is more of a misleading comment than a lie, in order to scare mothers away from response-feeding. There have been cases where sickly babies have been underfed because they have not demanded to nurse often enough, which is why the AAP statement says “In the early weeks after birth, nondemanding babies should be aroused to feed if 4 hours have elapsed since the last nursing.”
Part of the problem is that new mothers may not realize that the nursing cue is not crying, as Ezzo suggests, but mouthing, rooting, increased restlessness, etc., as stated by the AAP.
Ezzo’s statement that “the baby may not have energy to cry, let alone signal a need for food,” shows that he doesn't understand or agree with the AAP that crying is a late signal of hunger.
Lie # 21 Page 66
Babies provide parents two sets of response cues—those that are immediate need… and those that represent a parenting style.
In this paragraph Ezzo says that some nighttime cues are legitimate “need for food” cues, but if a baby continues to nurse during the night at three months, it’s the result of poor parenting. “A baby nursing for comfort so many times during the night is a cue that your parenting style during the day may be causing too much discomfort.” It is unclear what exactly parents do to cause discomfort, but it is implied that nursing on demand is the problem. He says that when babies sleep through the night on his program, “This is a healthy response signaling that their tummies are content and their hearts are secure in mom and dad’s parenting.” It is also unclear how babies are more secure in their parents by not being fed during the night.
“Parents must learn how to distinguish between immediate need cues and parenting style cues. Both are important. One is for short-term benefit and one is for long-term goal.”
AP parents would agree with that. Getting your baby to sleep through the night by eight weeks is a short-term goal. The long-term goal is a relationship with your child based on communication, love, and security, which is more important than achieving uninterrupted sleep if it means someone gets hurt in the process.
Since no further instruction is given regarding the “parenting-style cues,” the reader will assume that hunger cues occurring outside of feeding times must be indicative of poor parenting.
Milk Production, page 67:
The following excerpts indicate a very poor understanding of the mechanics of lactation.
Certainly a mother who takes her baby to breast seven times a day will produce more milk than the one who offers only two feedings. However, there are limits. A mother who takes her baby to her breast twelve, fifteen, or twenty times a day will not necessarily produce any more milk than the mom who takes her baby to breast eight or nine times a day.
It’s true that the mother may be able to produce enough milk nursing eight or nine times a day. Many women do. But just as many women need to nurse much more often to produce the same amount of milk. Lactating women can have a 300% difference in the amount of milk they store in the breast. This doesn’t mean they were unable to produce sufficient milk, only that they needed to nurse more frequently – fill their tanks more often, so to speak - than their larger-capacity sisters. This is not a supply problem - unless she is trying to follow the Babywise schedule. Tall or short, black or white, blonde or redhead, women are different but they are all capable of nursing their babies, provided they nurse as much as they need to. The baby is the best guide as to how often this needs to be.
The problem isn’t the amount of milk overall, but the quality of the milk taken in by baby. First, babies on a routine of fewer feedings will take in more calories at each of those set feedings than babies who feed ad lib. The difference here is qualitative feeding, as with a baby on a routine; versus quantitative feeding, meaning more feedings at lesser quality.
Here Ezzo implies that the quality of breastmilk is improved by withholding it until 3 hours have passed. Most nutritionists will tell their clients that snacking is a healthy practice as long as the food is nutritious – referring to adults who are no longer growing! Babies are growing at a rapid rate and like teenagers, often need extra snacks when going through a growth spurt.
With qualitative feeding, you eliminate the need for continual snacking. Many feedings become exactly that. Baby feels like a little something to tide her over. No meal is desired. Such snack feeding provides baby only a partial meal consisting of the lower-calorie foremilk and not the higher-calorie hindmilk essential for growth. Mom thinks she’s doing more for baby through endless breast availability. In actuality, she’s delivering less than her best. Baby often quits suckling before optimum nourishment is offered. How disheartening for both.
Baby may indeed need more than a little something to tide her over. She may be thirsty, and the lower-calorie foremilk is exactly what she needs. This is not a “partial meal” but an important way of meeting the baby’s fluid requirements as well as assuring an ample milk supply. The mother is not "delivering less than her best;" she is delivering exactly what her baby needs. If the baby quits suckling it’s because he or she doesn’t need any hindmilk at that time.
Lie #22
Too many snack feedings, with two little time in between, may reduce proper stimulation.
The best way to insure an ample milk supply is by more frequent nursing. The breasts produce milk in response to nipple stimulation, which has nothing to do with a time lapse between feedings. Women can nurse twins or triplets because there is two or three times as much suckling at the breast.
If “too little time” between feedings can “reduce proper stimulation” it makes no sense that he tells mothers to add an extra feeding when the supply is low, on page 102.
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