10 Lies About Attachment Parenting

In his church-based Parenting Program called "Preparation for Parenthood" and his secular book "On Becoming Babywise," author Gary Ezzo portrays his Infant Management System as a superior parenting method resulting in content, well-behaved children and confident, well-rested happy parents.  
To make his point, he contrasts his method against Attachment-Style Parenting, portraying its proponents as ill-informed, secular humanists who attempt to be their child's 'buddy' rather than a decent parent, ultimately resulting in children who are self-centered, chaotic, and ill-prepared for the world.

This blog corrects a few of the misconceptions (or outright lies) that Mr. Ezzo writes about Attachment Parenting.

Note :
"PFP" = Preparation for Parenting (Ezzo's church-based parenting program)
"BW" = Babywise (Ezzo's secular book based on the church-based program)
"AP" = Attachment Parenting (A style of parenting that focuses on becoming closely tuned to your baby)
"PDF" = Parent Directed Feeding (The feeding schedule described in Babywise)

1. Ezzo claims Attachment Parents follow a “Neoprimitivistic” school of thought  that hopes to “undo birth trauma.” (Babywise’98 pg 31-2)

Attachment Parenting proponents believe first and foremost that families thrive when they have close, loving attachments to one another. Starting from birth, you respect your baby as an individual, communicating your unconditional love by responding to the baby's cries.  You learn subtle ways that your child communicates. Understanding your child better leads to better communication, ultimately avoiding many negative behaviors and conflicts.

The term “Attachment Parenting” was coined by Dr. William Sears, author of a book by the same name along with his wife and co-author who are parents of eight children. He is a pediatrician and his wife, Martha, served as a La Leche League Leader. Together they are well-qualified to share information about normal growth and development, breastfeeding, baby care,  and parenting.
In contrast, Gary Ezzo and his wife, Ann Marie, parents of two, have no experience or credentials in lactation or child development.

AP theorists today believe that babies are born with lingering womb attachments and that birth only changes the way the attachment need is met... an artificial womb-like environment must be maintained after birth. Why would a parent wish to stagnate a natural progression of their child's life?  (BW pg 33-34}

("Does the birthing process really create psychologically fragile children?" ~ BW '98 p.36)

 Attachment Parents are not attempting to "undo birth trauma" as Babywise claims, but to welcome the baby to the world with love and and help the baby adapt with gentleness.

 However, it must be said that the Birth Trauma theory of which Ezzo is skeptical surfaced after birth had indeed become quite traumatic for babies. During the early part of the last century, births began occurring in institutions for the first time in history. In contrast to being born at home surrounded by supportive family members and a midwife, the standard delivery method in American hospitals at this point involved babies being pulled out of their unconscious mothers by metal forceps. Drugs given to the mother negatively affected the babies' inclination to begin breathing, so newborns were grasped by the feet, held by the ankles and slapped to make them gasp and breathe. Rather than transitioning from womb to world on its mother body as the placenta completed its job, the umbilical cord was immediately clamped and cut so the baby could be taken to a nursery for resuscitation - and for observation, since unconscious mothers cannot care for their own babies.
 I would definitely call this introduction into the world traumatic. One cannot "undo" trauma.

2. Ezzo claims Attachment Parents cannot be Christians. 

He says that Christians who practice attachment parenting “are Christians up to a point… [but  are not subjecting] their personal opinions, reasoning, and emotions to the guidelines of Scripture...” (PFP pg. 21)

a) La Leche League
Far from a group of "neo-primitivistic secular humanists,"  the founding mothers of La Leche League were members of a close-knit church; they began La Leche League as part of a community outreach.

The idea for La Leche League was conceived at a church picnic, when nursing mothers had been approached by several other moms expressing their regret in not being able to breastfeed. The church had recently hosted a series called the Christian Family Movement in which attendees were encouraged to reach out to others in the community. The nursing mothers recognized that helping other mothers succeed in breastfeeding was a God-given opportunity. They realized that by helping mothers, they helped entire families, and if they helped families, they were helping the whole community.

Most of the founding moms themselves had not been successful either when trying to breastfeed their first  babies. Each of them had learned by experience that the secret of success was to watch the baby instead of the clock, nursing the new baby as often as the baby seemed to need it.

This was a terribly radical idea at the time. Science was the new god. Doctors, rather than mothers, delivered babies. Doctors, rather than mothers, decided how babies were to be fed. Doctors regulated the times babies were to be fed. Formula was new, modern and scientific; breastfeeding was seen as something the lower animals did. Formula was expensive but seen as superior, especially in an era of prosperity. Breastfeeding was for the poor.

The name "La Leche League" was chosen because 'breast' or 'breastfeeding' were words that could not be used in polite company in the 1950's.

b) Dr. William Sears
Dr. Sears is a pediatrician, and author of Christian Parenting. His wife, also Christian, is a nurse and a La Leche League Leader

c) It is extremely arrogant to say anyone not feeding their child on Ezzo's schedule cannot be Christian.

d) If Ezzo's PDF program were indeed a Godly parenting program, it would be the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. This schedule could not work in Jesus' time when people did not have timepieces.
It would not work for Christians in less developed nations where fewer people rely on clocks.

e) Ezzo recognizes that mothers in less-developed nations carry their babies attached in wraps or slings "out of convenience" but he claims mothers in North America are only doing so because they are afraid the child is suffering Birth Trauma.

d) In Preparation for Parenting, Ezzo attacks Christians who AP as follows: 

Here are three questions for the Christian community to consider:
(1) Did God make a mistake when creating the birthing process by introducing trauma?
(2) Did Jesus suffer from psychic shock and separation anxiety as a result of His birth?
(3) Was Mary a bad mother because she laid Jesus in a manger (literally a feeding crib) and not a family bed? To all three questions, we answer "no."

I would answer:
(1) God did not make a mistake creating the birthing process, but MAN made the mistake of messing with it, thinking they can improve upon it.
(2) If Jesus had been born in modern times, yes! If born today, Jesus would have been ultrasounded several times in his mother's womb, his birth would be induced by 40 weeks, monitored and assisted by forceps, scissors, scalpel or cesarean section. His cord would be clamped before it finished its function, so He could be taken from his mother, and would likely have a tube put in his nose, mouth, possibly even lungs suction fluids, then medicine would be put in his eyes, and He'd be injected with Vitamin K. He'd be placed on a metal scale, weighed, measured and tagged, then taken to the NICU for observation, due to the  increased risks involved in virgin birth.
 And yes, this would likely cause some psychic shock and separation anxiety.
(3) No, Mary was not a bad mother because she put her baby in a manger. It was probably the only place not covered in animal manure and amniotic fluid.
I also doubt that Mary and Joseph would have toted a feeding crib with them when they fled to Egypt in the middle of the night.

Here are three questions I would ask Mr. Ezzo to consider:
(1) Did Mary have a clock in Jesus' nursery?
(2) Did she have to check the sundial to know when it was time to feed her baby?
(3) Without a clock, how was she able to stretch out his feeding intervals in 15-minute increments as he grew? Or measure the time he spent in his playpen to "develop mental focusing skills, a sustained attention span, creativity, and orderliness"? [BW'98 pp190-191]

 His "infant management program" is obviously not feasible for Christians living in less-developed nations - or else all believers outside of the Western world are "only Christian up to a point."

 3. Ezzo states that for Attachment Parents, the primary signal for food is the baby’s cry. (BW '98 page 33)

This is not correct and it is not descriptive of attachment parenting.

a). Crying is not the primary signal for food; crying is a late signal for hunger.
In other words, after the baby has been hinting - after the baby has been rooting and smacking his lips and getting restless, after the baby has been asking politely for several minutes - as the mother continues to overlook or ignore these signals, then comes the late signal: he cries to get her attention. Nobody was paying attention to his increasing distress until he cried. 

Attachment mothers notice the early signals, and respond when the baby asks politely. That is why they cry less. 
That is also what psychologists call Positive Reinforcement. If you wait until baby cries, you are teaching your baby to cry for what he wants.

b) Ezzo does not understand that nursing is not just “food” from a different container. Formula may be a substitute for mother’s milk, but bottles do not substitute for mother’s soft body, her smell, her voice and her warmth and her taste, which-unlike formula- changes throughout the feeding and from feed to feed.
Attachment Parents recognize the baby needs a mother's presence as much he needs her milk. Her breast is a source of comfort and nurture and delight, - and this is biblical: "that you may nurse and be satisfied from her consoling breast; that you may drink deeply with delight from her glorious abundance...Her children will be nursed at her breasts, carried in her arms, and held on her lap. I will comfort you there in Jerusalem as a mother comforts her child."  ~ Isaiah 66:11-13

 4. Ezzo believes you can hurt a baby by picking him up too much (page141) and disapproves of the use of baby slings, even claiming this hinders the child's development. (page 34) He strongly encourages the use of playpens as a 'structured learning environment.' (p.190)

Attachment parents use a sling for many reasons. 

a) It’s convenient, keeping the baby where you can see it, the cat can’t jump on it and the toddler can’t poke it. Mother doesn't need to keep going to check on the baby.
b) It's easier than a stroller in many situations (walking in rough terrain, at the beach, in the woods, etc.)
c) It keeps baby content. They are soothed and calmed by mother's familiar movements.

d) It benefits the baby's learning. When baby is at eye level,  he is able to see what his mother does  and how she does it, constantly watching and learning about the world he lives in. This enhances his intellectual development as well as social development.
e)  Lying alone in a crib or playpen hinders development! Carring actually enhances the baby's development in a variety of ways. http://www.bobafamily.com/research/strollers-baby-carriers-and-infant-stress/
f) Moms quickly recognize changes in the baby’s movement that indicate things like hunger, sleepiness, and discomfort, and respond accordingly.
g) They are simply following the wisdom of their ancestors and sisters and around the world.  (http://www.hybridrastamama.com/2011/04/babywearing-around-the-world.html .)

Ezzo mentions the women “in some third-world nations and primitive settings, [carrying] their babies in an infant sling as they move through their day. Their actions are not based on a need to create an attachment with their child nor spurred on by Freud’s writing. For these mothers it is simply a matter of convenience and safety.” (page189)

Attachment parents agree. They do not use a sling to 'create attachment' or because they care about Freud's writing. It's convenient and safer than leaving your baby alone, whether you're in a primitive world or not.

5. Ezzo claims babies raised by Attachment Parents are insecure.

Ezzo says, “A baby’s security is tied to his or her developing relationships with mom and dad, not simply the proximity of mom. The child who is physically attached to mom through baby slings and shared sleep is not necessarily experiencing relational attachment. That statement is easily proven. Just remove the child from mom at any point and observe how secure he or she appears. It’s disheartening for a parent to see and hear her own child in a state of hysteria under the stress of independence.”  (pg 139-140)

a) Why is he using ‘the stress of independence’ to prove ‘relational attachment?’ Doesn't a child's stress upon being removed from mother PROVE his attachment to her? Or does Ezzo think indifference to his mother's absence proves attachment?

b) How does the Babywised child's indifference to his parents' absence show more of a 'developing relationship' than the child who appears distressed? Isn't indifference indicative of a weaker relationship?

c) Is your goal to rear children who are attached to their loved ones or indifferent to them?

d) How you can have a good developing relationship with mom and dad without proximity?

e) Why would he think that a little baby - who is incapable of getting his own food or keeping himself warm - shouldn't be upset when left alone?

 f) I would remind the reader how disheartening it is for a parent to see and hear her own child in a state of hysteria when he needs to sleep away from home. Having a baby who must have his own crib in his own room in order to sleep has its disadvantages. 

 Ezzo says, “Try placing an “attached” baby in his own crib and in all probability there will be a great deal of crying” (Babywise ’98 pg. 139)
Of course! The baby would cry because he is not accustomed to being left there.

But try taking the Babywised child on a camping trip, or to a hotel, or to Grandma's house and in all probability there will be a great deal of crying. Baby can't sleep in a strange place. Meanwhile, the attached baby will fall asleep and stay asleep anywhere. His security is not in his furniture, but in the proximity of those who love and care for him.

 6. Ezzo claims that frequent nursing is so exhausting that many mothers quit prematurely, and that PDF moms are better rested. 

Actually, studies show that nursing mothers get the most sleep. http://www.scienceandsensibility.org/?p=3618

Frequent nursing assures more than just milk supply; it also increases maternal hormones in the mother - hormones designed to make her feel loving, calm, and motherly, delighting in her baby. These hormones increase every time she breastfeeds. Wouldn't you want a child's mother to feel more loving, more nurturing, more calm? Far from the “mutual discontentment” he predicts (pg.44)  when a mother feeds on demand, the mother who nurses more often is happier and more content. 

The more often she nurses, the higher her hormone levels, the less she cares how much she nurses!

This is a gift from God, ensuring we find joy and contentment in caring for our babies so we don’t leave them outside for the buzzards!

Ezzo is correct in saying the AP baby will in all likelihood continue to waken at night longer than the PDF child. However, night waking is not nearly the same problem for Attachment Parents as it is for the PDF mom:

 Since the AP mother believes in sleeping with or near baby, this means

• She doesn’t have to go to the baby’s room and sit in a chair for those feedings, but can tuck the baby in bed with her, warm and sleeping while baby nurses.
• Studies have shown that when you sleep close to your baby you share the same sleep cycles. This means:

1) Nursing mothers enter light sleep cycles with their babies, becoming aware of the baby's waking movements. They are not being woken out of a deep sleep by a crying child. Many mothers report that they can sleep through a thunderstorm yet are aware of slight changes in the baby’s breathing.

2). Mother will slip back into that rejuvenating, deep REM sleep as quickly as her baby does.

• Fathers are rarely aware that the baby even wakes.
• You can sleep in later when you co-sleep. (My firstborn would happily keep nursing on and off and I could stay in bed till 10.)

On the Preparation for Parenthood tapes the female speaker mentions - with a tone of disgust - that the AP moms joke about still being woken at night with an EIGHT month old. My response: I agree, they JOKE about it! It’s not a big deal!

7. Ezzo even claims the AP mother isn't able to make good decisions about her child's needs!

 “By blocking the cry, mother loses confidence in her own decision-making. She also misses out on assessing the child’s real need. While she may be meeting a secondary cue, she probably is missing her baby’s primary cues.” (Pg 139)
"Blocking" something means to hinder or obstruct it. AP's are not hindering the baby's communication, they are learning baby's language, interpreting it and acting accordingly.

 The AP'd baby doesn't cry much because he doesn't need to. Mother doesn't wait for the distress call, she already knows what baby wants. This is the essence of the “attachment” in attachment parenting. There is a level of communication and understanding such that the baby doesn't have to resort to crying to be "heard."

 8. Ezzo  claims breastfeeding works better on a PDF schedule. 

PDF involves making the baby wait for feedings, using a pacifier if necessary, and include keeping the baby in his own room.  Ezzo discourages the use of a baby monitor (page 187), so the baby's early signals won't be heard, only the distressed baby's cries.
A study on five hospital practices from the Baby Friendly Hospital Initiative showed that women who used pacifiers, delayed the first feed, gave formula, did not breastfeed on demand, and did not room in, were eight times less likely to be breastfeeding at two months than women who experienced none of these practices.

 9. Ezzo claims most AP'd babies are fussy.  

"Because of the lack of order associated with the attachment-parenting methodology, the one statement attachment mothers do not hear is: "My, what a good natured baby you have!" PFP page 49

That is simply not true, and the first lie I saw when I looked at a copy of Babywise. As a member of  La Leche League for many years, I often heard moms comment on how frequently they were complimented on our delightful, happy babies. We felt sorry for all the moms who had put their babies on feeding schedules and didn't know how liberating it was to nurse freely on baby's request. At LLL Conferences where there would be hundreds of babies in attendance, only rarely did you hear one crying.

10.  Ezzo claimed babies are born in a state of metabolic chaos.

First, that is complete nonsense. 
Medically defined as a severe disturbance in amino acid chemistry, a result of chronic illness with multiple causes, metabolic chaos is NOT a normal condition of the newborn.

Secondly, he says the parent’s job is to stabilize their child's hunger metabolism using PDF. We would like to know where he got this information, and why we haven't heard parents talking about stabilizing hunger metabolism throughout history, or how this was managed before clocks were invented..

Ridiculous.

In His Image

Everyone knows that, generally speaking, women are far more nurturing than men when it comes to babies. Moms will run to tend to crying babies, while men are content to leave them alone and let them settle themselves.

Thanks to new fMRI technology [functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging], we are finally able to see  that this is not an "emotional weakness" as Gary Ezzo infers in his book Babywise, but a biological function of the female brain!

http://www.upi.com/Health_News/2013/05/11/Womens-brains-hard-wired-to-respond-to-a-babys-cry/UPI-13431368318718/

We're created that way. Male and female brains are different. Women, even when they are not mothers, cannot simply ignore the cries of a baby the same way a man can.

In Babywise, author Gary Ezzo calls this feminine compulsion to care for infants "unchecked emotionalism" and even claims it is "dangerous."

As a lay pastor, Mr. Ezzo is certainly familiar with Genesis 1:27

"So God created man in His [own] image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them."

Since God is plural ("Let us make man in our image, after our likeness") so mankind is also plural being made in His likeness; represented in the male kind and female kind, each expressing different qualities of God's image. This is why 'the two shall become one' in marriage, their individual strengths now united to complement each other.

One of God's titles, "El Shaddai" is derived from the word for "breast" which symbolizes the One who nourishes us, satisfies us, comforts and sustains us.[http://www.parentcompany.com/awareness_of_god/nog6.htm]

Let's look at some female characteristics of El Shaddai, our Many-Breasted One:

"As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you." Joshua 1:5
"The eternal God is your refuge, and his everlasting arms are under you." Deut 33:27
"For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones..." Isaiah 49:13
"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!" Isaiah 49:15
When they cry out to me, I will hear, for I am compassionate. Exodus 22:7
Many of the verses in the Bible using Shaddai describe the Almighty as the one who blesses (eg.Gen 49:25) and in Whom we delight (eg.  Job 22:26) and in whom we take refuge (Psalm 91:1)

Let's now compare these Godly qualities with the Babywise doctrine:

Babywise tells us to leave our babies during the night. After 8 weeks, forsake their nighttime needs. Far from allowing the quiet refuge of everlasting arms under the child, Ezzo warns against holding the baby "too much" and recommends the use of playpens, baby seats, cribs and blanket training to keep them apart.
Mother is told to forget the baby at her breast  to go on dates with her husband.
She is to have no compassion when they cry out to her. In fact he discourages parents from using a baby monitor so that you will not hear the baby's crying,

This is what Gary Ezzo calls "parenting from a biblical mindset" in his Preparation for Parenthood course.

The Ezzospeak Dictionary

Upon reading the book "On Becoming Babywise" you see that author Gary Ezzo portrays his program as a reasonable voice in the often contradictory recommendations of parenting.
Upon closer examination, however, we see that he often applies different meanings to words and phrases than that which is generally accepted. This is very misleading for those discussing what the book actually teaches. For example, though Ezzo claims his Parent-Directed Feeding program is flexible, his definition of flexibilty is too rigid to comply with the recommendations of both Pediatricians and Lactation Constultants.

Therefore, I have arranged The Ezzospeak Dictionary to help you understand Ezzo's book.

These terms and examples come from the 1998 version.

Term	Usual meaning	Babywise Usage
Block	To hinder or obstruct	To soothe  as in “Is it a good idea to block crying?” p.139
Guidance	Direction, leadership	Ignore     (45 minutes of crying is called “parental guidance” on pg 123)
Training	Educate, teach	Ignore  ("training" a child to sleep by leaving him to cry himself to sleep)
Help	Assist, aid	Ignore  (Same as above)
Prop	Something to support an object in position	Nursing or rocking a baby to sleep, sleeping with baby. (P.56)
Flexible	Bendable, adaptable, willing to yield	Inconsistency (pg 109) A temporary alteration. (P.110) A “broken” routine (pg 181)
Heightened gratification	A feeling of satisfaction or pleasure. ward for parenting	A "pitfall" of child-centered parenting (p.26)
Attachment  Parenting	Sensitive and emotionally available parenting which helps build strong emotional bonds and fosters a healthy socio-emotional development in the childd	Emotional bondage (p 97) A" new name for the outdated birth trauma theory developed by a neoprimitivistic school of thought in the 1940’s." (Note: birth WAS traumatic for babies in the 1940's due to the standardized use of drugs and forceps for every birth!)
Lactation counselors	Certified healthcare providers recognized as experts in human lactation and breastfeeding support.	An “industry” that is “heavily biased against any type of routine,” and lacking “a working understanding of routine breast-feeding dynamics.”  (p.100)
Attached child	Baby/child who has a close emotional bond with caregiver.	“Relational security”  based on "proximity, not independence" (p.140)
Parental guidance	Teaching, mentoring, overseeing	Routine feedings (p. 21)
Baby wise	A deep understanding of babies and their needs.	An Infant Management System (p.17)
Demand feeding	Nursing when baby indicates hunger	Erratic and emotive response to crying
Natural	That which occurs in Nature or without interference	That which occurs as a result of disciplined effort  – as in “trained to sleep the natural way” (book's subtitle)
Term	Usual meaning	Babywise Usage
Schedule	a series of things to be done or events to occur at or during a particular time or period; a timetable	Routine
Routine	typical or everyday activity; regular, unvarying, habitual, unimaginative, customary procedure	Following 6 guidelines (page 111), calculated time between feedings; Timetable (as on page118)
Connectedness	United, joined, or linked; linked coherently	When Mother cooperates with baby’s needs and baby learns to cooperate with mother’s guidance. (p.38)
Advantage	a benefit or gain; eg. breastfed children have better overall health than formula fed children…	Disadvantage  as in “formula fed babies have “less of an advantage” [Over what? Unfed babies?]
Metabolic Chaos	A result of chronic illness or alcoholism which has ultimately thrown the body chemistry out of balance.	The condition in which all health babies are born that must be remedied by its parents.

Crying: "a LATE sign of hunger"

Gary Ezzo's mistakenly believes that  Attachment Parenting involves feeding their babies every time they cry.
 He claims they are trying to "block" crying (as if crying is a good thing, and soothing a baby is a bad thing to do).

Wrong.
Attachment Parents do not feed their babies every time they cry. They understand what the AAP's stance on crying actually means.

What exactly does the American Academy of Pediatrics statement on breastfeeding mean when it says, "Crying is a late sign of hunger."?

Establishing a pattern of feedings does not mean setting a rigid timetable and insisting that your baby breastfeed for a set amount of time or eat a full 4 ounces (120 ml) at each feeding. It’s much more important to pay attention to your baby’s signals and work around her needs.
During the first month, breastfed babies indicate interest in feeding when they begin to root (reflexively turn toward the breast) or place their fist in their mouth and start sucking. Crying is a late sign of hunger. It is easier to get the baby to latch on and feed when she is showing the early signs of rooting or lip smacking.

http://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/baby/feeding-nutrition/pages/The-First-Month-Feeding-and-Nutrition.aspx

Notice:

1. A feeding pattern is not a timetable.

2. Pay attention to your baby's signals.

3. Typical signals include: rooting, putting a fist in the mouth, sucking fist/other things, lip-smacking. These are early signals

4. Crying is a LATE signal.

5. Late signal - that means you somehow overlooked the early signals.

Your job as your baby's mother is to pay attention to YOUR baby. Not most babies. Not the schedule that works in an institution. Not the advice written by the parent of a different baby. Your baby.
In watching your baby, you will begin to see a pattern of behaviours suggesting that your baby may be hungry.  The hard part of course, is that you can't tell when another person feels hunger! This is important because a newborn can't tell when he is hungry either!

There was no hunger or thirst in the womb.  After his startling transition to the world of bright lights, loud noises, air-filled lungs and the surprising sound of his own voice, he is soon calmed by the familiar: his mother's voice. She holds him close and he feels her warmth and her heartbeat, her scent. He instinctively seeks her nipple and begins nursing. He is content and feels safe again and sleeps.
A while later, he becomes aware of a gnawing discomfort within him. What is it? He doesn't think "I'm hungry," because he's never experienced it before. His cry is therefore a cry of helplessness, not 'hunger'. Something's wrong in his world, and he doesn't know what to do about it! He cannot do anything about it! Nursing the baby at these first signs of fussiness quickly calms and soothes the baby, returning him to a state of equilibrium.

But what occurs in a scheduled feeding management system? Feeling discomfort, baby squirms. He becomes restless. He grunts. Where's my mother? She picks him up. He smacks his lips, and his fist goes to his mouth. Mom's here, but it's not it's not getting better. He fusses and she talks soothingly to him, telling him it's not time to eat yet. It's not helping! He finds his fist and sucks it. I don't feel right! Mom bounces him on her knee. She gives him a pacifier, trying to make him wait just a little longer. Now he's getting frantic.  Something's wrong! He starts crying so she finally feeds him.

That crying is a late signal. LATE, because mother did not PAY ATTENTION when he first began signalling. Late, because when he was instinctively rooting, he didn't even know he was looking for a breast. But if a breast were readily available before he became frantic, he would have found it and settled very quickly.

Some babies are so upset by this time, they have difficulty latching on to the breast. They arch their backs and flail their little arms. With repeated latching on/come off frustration, Mother becomes frustrated too. Why he just doesn't  eat? Often the mother feels the baby is rejecting her in his refusal to latch on to the breast. Or she concludes this means he isn't really hungry and is just having a fussy time. Not only can this lead to baby not getting enough nutrition, but following a rigid feeding routine in this manner is actually establishing a pattern of confusion and dysfunction in the mother/baby dyad. 

If mother will pay close attention to her baby in those early days and weeks,  nursing at the first signs instead of trying to make baby fit into a timetable, she will find her baby rarely cries. This is partly because she can recognise his early cues, and partly because he trusts her. He knows she will come quickly, so he rarely needs to escalate to crying. This establishes security.

Unfortunately this is known as demand feeding. It's unfortunate because "demand" implies a bossy little baby ruling the household, demanding his mother's attention. What about a mother who demands her newborn must wait until the clock reaches the right time instead of when he feels thirsty or hungry?

Far from being demanding, a baby actually asks to nurse very respectfully: unable to speak, he roots, smacks his lips, or puts his fist in his mouth! If he has to fuss and cry to get fed, it's because he was ignored when he was asking politely!

Nursing "on demand" is harmonious and empathic, building on communication, understanding and relationship.

How we KNOW that "Preparation for Parenting" is not "God's Way": The Scriptures Ezzo didn't use.

Overview:

"Preparation for Parenting: Bringing God's Order To Your Baby's Day And Restful Sleep To Your Baby's Night."

This is the title of a church-based parenting program geared to expectant parents. The classes include a taped message and a homework book titled, "A Study in the Philosophy, Physiology, and Practice of Nurturing a Newborn." This "Prep Course" as it has became known, was part of a Christian parenting organization known as "Growing Kids God's Way."

 Following the success of the program, a book was later published, titled "On Becoming Babywise." It was based on this Christian program, but with the scriptural references removed in order to appeal to a larger, secular audience. With a paperback book replacing replacing an eight-week course, the book became very popular in churches, and was promoted to a much wider audience with its subtitled promises of  "giving your infant the gift of nighttime sleep" or "training babies to sleep through the night the natural way."

This parenting method is not the instruction in "Godly Parenting" it claims to be.

1. At the beginning of the PREP course, author Gary Ezzo says,

"What you believe about feeding a baby will usually be representative of your overall parenting philosophy.... Although God is silent on the topic of infant feeding, there are basic scriptural principles that cannot be ignored. Order, sound judgment, love, patience, care, strong marriages, and that which promotes soberminded assessment are but a few biblical imperatives to consider." PFP Page 26

 The scriptural references on order and sober-mindedness are in the book of Titus, referring to a character quality in one seeking position as a Bishop or other church leader.  This has nothing to do with new mothers or helpless little newborn babies who do little except "desire the pure milk" 1 Peter 2:2 .

2. Ezzo warns parents that sacrificing anything to make their baby a priority is a bad parenting habit that will lead to
a self-centered child,
a marriage destroyed,
a family ruined, and
a mother "in bondage" to a child's endless demands.(1)

But the Bible says we are to imitate God who sacrificed Himself for us.
Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma.- Eph 5:1, 2 NKJV

3. Ezzo believes his infant management system will teach children to be considerate of others.(2) This is supposed to be accomplished by strictly controlling the times the baby eats, plays, and sleeps. If the baby cries, the parents are encouraged to ignore the child for its own good.(3)

"When your baby awakens, don't rush right in to him or her. Any crying will be temporary lasting 5 - 45 minutes... Generally it takes three nights..." (Page 123)

But the Bible says we're not to exasperate our children in Eph 6:4. We should treat them as we would like to be treated.
 "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." Matthew 7:12

4. Ezzo discourages mothers from expressing their natural God-given desire to console their babies. He says we should not 'suppress' a baby's crying, (Page 139)  nor offer comfort to a crying baby. Nursing a baby to sleep is called "sleep manipulation" (Page 151), and mothers are instructed to leave the baby crying alone until it falls asleep itself. Ezzo tells mothers their responses to the infant should always "be rational and purposeful instead of emotive."(Page 139)  Therefore, good mothering behaviour should amount to nothing more than noting how long the crying continues to establish what is considered to be their "normal amount" of crying. (Page 147, 150) 

But the Bible recognizes this natural female inclination to soothe, nurture and tend to her baby:
"But we were gentle among you, just as a nursing mother cherishes her own children."
1 Thessalonians 2:7.

5. Ezzo says we're supposed to put our marriage in higher regard than our parenting, since God made marriage first. (Prep for Parenting)
But such self-centeredness is not biblical. Not thinking of others? That is what newborn babies do. As adults we will behave as adults, and it doesn't have to be "trained" into us, as he claims. According to scripture:
When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. - 1Cor 13:11 NKJV

6. The book puts no focus on building a foundation of love within the family.
 Ezzo says that marriage transcends all other relationships (Page 20) and the parent-child relationship must take a back seat to the parent's marital relationship. Note that in the preface, he describes this book as an "infant management system." The focus should be on love and respect, not a system of management!  Loving interactions with the baby are limited to parent-controlled guidelines.
The book even cautions parents against falling head-over-heels in love with their new baby! Ezzo recognizes this delightful affection for the new baby as a "heightened gratification" but warns that it is a "pitfall" to be avoided! (Page 26) 
The Bible says children are a gift from God and a reward, and a man with a quiver-full is joyful! Psalm 127: 3, 5

7. Ezzo says to ensure the survival of your marriage you must continue to go out on dates as you did before you became parents.  Is this biblical?  Did parents leave their infants to go on dates in Jesus' time?
This forced separation can be extremely stressful for both the new mother and her baby, especially when they are still establishing breastfeeding.
The bible says, “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne?" Isaiah 49:15
Ezzo even claims that a baby won't suffer separation anxiety when parents are away on a date. (Page 26, PFP page 35)  He doesn't explain how the newborn baby - who supposedly isn't capable of knowing when it's hungry - is somehow capable of understanding the importance of his parents having a date night.

8. Ezzo says the priority of the marriage relationship must be demonstrated daily to the children through a ritual he institutes called "Couch Time." (Page 27) In Preparation for Parenting, fathers are instructed to disregard their children when they rush to greet him after work, blocking their greetings with, "NO! No, no. Mommy comes first. MOMMY comes first!"
But Jesus said, "Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them ." Matthew 19:14, and
"Whoever receives one of these little children in My name receives Me; and whoever receives Me, receives not Me but Him who sent Me." - Mar 9:37 NKJV 

"Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me." - Matthew 18:4,5 NKJV
People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them. - Mark 10:13-16
"But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea. - Mat 18:6 NKJV

9. Ezzo says we must insist upon First time Obedience from an infant from about the age of six months. (Page 88, BWII '95) 
This child-training requires punishments such as:
 - Isolation.
 - Spanking.
 - Flicking the child's cheek. (Page 59, 60 BWII)
But the Bible speaks of love and gentleness.
What do you want? Shall I come to you with a rod, or in love and a spirit of gentleness? - 1Cor 4:21

10. Ezzo insists a baby needs to be in his bed, in his own room. (Page 203)
But the Bible portrays sleeping with your children as the norm.
Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. - Deut 11:19
"And this woman's son died in the night, because she lay on him. So she arose in the middle of the night and took my son from my side, while your maidservant slept, and laid him in her bosom, and laid her dead child in my bosom." 1Kings 3:19,20
Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; But how can one be warm alone? Eccl 4:11
I can't get up; my children are with me in bed. - Luke 11:7

11. Ezzo tells us never to nurse, or rock a baby to sleep. He calls these soothing measures "props"  implying an artificial means of falling asleep, and he recommends Simply ignoring the baby's crying until the baby learns falls asleep alone. (Page 56)
And yet our loving Heavenly Father offers us comfort:
That you may feed and be satisfied with the consolation of her bosom, That you may drink deeply and be delighted with the abundance of her glory." For thus says the LORD: "Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river, And the glory of the Gentiles like a flowing stream. Then you shall feed; On [her] sides shall you be carried, And be dandled on [her] knees As one whom his mother comforts, So I will comfort you; And you shall be comforted in Jerusalem." Isaiah 66:11-13 (Note the bosom is used to console.)

12. Ezzo says you must make a hungry baby wait until the clock indicates feeding time, or else you are teaching him to snack! (Page 78, 175) Is this biblical? Did mothers feed according to the sundial in Jesus' time?
But our God is always available to us: "Then you shall call, and the LORD will answer; You shall cry, and He will say, 'Here I am.'" Isaiah 58:9; 
"The LORD [is] near to all who call upon Him, To all who call upon Him in truth." Psalm 145:18 
"I cried out to the Lord with my voice, and he heard me from his Holy mountain" Psalm 3:4

13. Ezzo insists that once has reached about 8-12 weeks of age, or has slept through the night, you must never allow any more night feedings, nor tend to the baby at night. (Page 123,178, 182)
But Jesus tells us that every time we feed or tend to "the least of these" we are feeding Him.
"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me..." Matthew 25:35-40

14. Ezzo has an odd set of priorities: the parental relationship first (Page 20), the preciousness of others second, the feeding routine third (Page 181,)  and then the baby's need for his mother's comfort. 
Eg.: "If you feel your baby has a need for non-nutritive sucking, a pacifier can meet the need without compromising your routine." (Page 76)
But the Bible tells us to love The Lord first, and then others, showing mercy in tangible ways, and expecting nothing in return.
So he answered and said, "'You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind,' and 'your neighbor as yourself.'" ...But he, wanting to justify himself, said to Jesus, "And who is my neighbor?" Then Jesus answered and said: "A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, who stripped him of his clothing, wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.... "But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was. And when he saw him, he had compassion." So which of these three do you think was neighbor to him who fell among the thieves?" And he said, "He who showed mercy on him." Then Jesus said to him, "Go and do likewise." - Luke 10:27-37 NKJV

15. If  the Preparation for Parenting Program were truly reflecting "biblical" parenting, it would be consistent around the entire world and throughout history, since the God of the Bible is the same yesterday, today and forever. Hebrews 13:8.
This is not possible.

First, how could biblical parents have followed a schedule without clocks? How did they reduce or extend feeding times by 15 minute increments with no timepiece? What about believers  today who live in less-developed nations where clocks are not necessary to their lifestyle?  Ezzo's argument about timed feedings as a reflection of God's order doesn't fly.

Secondly, Ezzo's plan is not suitable for Christians who do not share Western traditions and beliefs. The bible does not mention playpens, but Ezzo says the playpen necessary for getting "waketime activities under control" as well as helping "establish foundational intellectual skills."(Page 190) In PFP (page 176) he claims playpens "optimize a child's development" and warns that a child without structured playpen time could be "seriously delayed."
Will Christians who live in tribal communities fail at 'biblical parenting' without using playpens? Will those free-range children never be able to "establish foundational intellectual skills"?

Beware lest anyone cheat you through philosophy and empty deceit, according to the tradition of men, according to the basic principles of the world, and not according to Christ. Col 2:8 - NKJV

Thirdly, the argument that we must schedule feedings because "God is not a God of disorder" [1 Cor 14:33] doesn't fly either. For one thing, the context of that scripture has to do with disorder in congregational meetings, not nursing babies. For another thing, the call for "order" was to restore peace. Nursing a baby will restore peace; making a hungry baby wait is never peaceful!

Furthermore, a God of Order did not make human babies emerge from their mothers in state of "metabolic chaos." All that He made was very good. Genesis 1:31

Finally, the God of order, who made the universe with such precision that we can predict the very minute the sun will rise or the return of Halley's Comet, did not make all things precise-to-the-minute orderly. There are seasons, but the snow doesn't begin to fall on the same day each year, nor in the same amount. Some years are drier or wetter, colder or warmer. God doesn't send the rain on a predictable schedule, nor do the flowers bloom on the same day year after year.

If all babies were born on their due dates, all weighing 7 lbs 6 ounces at birth, and all born to mothers who were 5'6" tall and 130 lbs, then it might make sense to expect babies to be predictable in their eating habits.

Does our Father in Heaven really want a tough-love approach to caring for a baby?"
As a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear him." Psalm 103:13
Or does He want us to show patience, kindness, perseverance, mercy, compassion, longsuffering, gentleness toward "the least of these"?

Even jackals offer the breast; they nurse their young, but the daughter of my people has become cruel, ["They ignore their children's cries" -RSV]  like the ostriches in the wilderness. The tongue of the nursing infant sticks to the roof of its mouth for thirst; the children beg for food, but no one gives to them. ~ Lamentations 4:3,4 ~ ESV Isaiah 5:20 says, "Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!" Click here to see how Gary Ezzo inverts reality this way. Woe unto him. Notes: (1) PFP page 28; Babywise as follows:  On Becoming Babywise  is more than an infant-management concept; it is a mind-set for responsible parenthood....This plan will not leave mom ragged at the end of the day nor in bondage to her child. [ in homes where] The spotlight shifts to illuminate the children... all other family relationships at risk...children are treated as the center of the family universe..... welcome to the circus. (Page 22-23) Quite possibly the decision to quit breast-feeding actually is a disturbing necessity for distraught and fatigued moms unable to cope with endless demands created by a faulty parenting philosophy. (Page 63) You are on an airplane and your infant daughter begins to fuss.... you normally would not offer food before three hours have passed... [ie. normally you would not be "enslaved" by your baby's fussing, but your situation forces you to consider others]  (Page 116)  ...if you want a fussy baby, never let him cry, and hold, rock and feed him as soon as he starts to fuss. We guarantee that you will achieve your goal. (Page 131) Baby's cry should not be the day's unsolved mystery... (Page137) Whether it is blocking a baby's cry by offering food at each whimper or wearing baby in a sling all day to eliminate crying, beware... Such babies cry less because this parenting philosophy calls for the suppression of all crying. (Page 139) Babies not only become conditioned to being picked up at a whimper, but they also become abnormally dependent on it. A child like Marisa has been conditioned to expect immediate gratification. What will happen to Marisa when her parents no longer can satisfy her immediately? What happens when a second  or third child comes into the family? Think of the emotional trauma both Marisa and mother will endure. This painful scenario is described by mothers as the child becoming "completely unglued." The child has been so conditioned to immediate response that he or she simply cannot cope with a delayed response. Now the child is emotionally fragile, rather than emotionally stable.(Page 140) (2) In the description of the two fictional characters in the first chapter, where we see Chelsea is "learning from the start that giving is equally as important as receiving... understands she is a member of a family team... has a sense of belonging and purpose", "acquires the sense that she belongs to something bigger than herself... gives family relationships meaning and purpose..." (Page 26)  (3) Ezzo doesn't use the word "ignore" or the term "cry it out." However, on forums and support groups, Babywise users discuss CIO frequently with the understanding it's something parents simply MUST do.  Words like "training" and "parental guidance" (Page 123 ) and "normal cry periods"(Page 145) are used to tell the reader to ignore the crying, also "sometimes the best action is no action at all" on page 151.  See the Ezzospeak dictionary for more euphemisms.  All references from On Becoming Babywise 1998 edition and Preparation for Parenting 1995 ed.  Updated to include citations for  'anonymous' who doesn't believe Ezzo actually said these things. 

My Breasts Are A "Prop"?

 

In his book On Becoming Babywise, Gary Ezzo changes the meaning of a number of words to suit his purposes, in order to make his sleep-training program appear to be "natural" and "loving" and sensible.   Phrases  and words such as "training," "flexible schedule" and "parental guidance" take on new meanings in this twisted "Infant Management System."

In this post we will look at his strange use of the word "prop." Gary claims that a prop is something that interferes with his "natural way" of training a baby to sleep.

From On Becoming Babywise, 1998 Edition:

Sleep Props Hinder Continuous Nighttime Sleep

The typical infant has both the natural ability and the capacity to sleep through the night sometime within the first nine weeks of life. It is an acquired skill which is enhanced by routine...

Sleep cues are influenced (often negatively) by a variety of sleep association props. Some sleep props, such as a special blanket or a stuffed animal, are harmless, while others are addictive....

Let's examine three of the most common negative sleep props.

Intentionally nursing a baby to sleep
Rocking a baby to sleep
Sleeping with your baby (shared sleep)

Why choose a prop? Instead, confidently establish a basic routine to naturally and beautifully enhance restful sleep. Put your baby to bed while both of you are still awake. In this way, baby will establish longer and stronger sleep cycles than if placed in the crib already asleep. Besides, none of the sleep props listed above offer any healthy advantages,. Instead, carefully consider the long term negative effects of sleep props. Vow to avoid them now, and you avoid creating behaviours that later need retraining.

A quick search of dictionary.com provides a definition of the word "prop" when used as a noun:
- a stick, rod, pole, beam, or other rigid support.
- a person or thing serving as a support or stay: "His father is his financial prop."

Since nursing, rocking, or sleeping with a baby is not a rigid support, he must be referring to the second definition; serving as a support or stay. But rather than seeing these props as supporting sleep, Ezzo sees them as a hindrances to good sleep. Nursing, rocking, or sleeping with your baby are labeled negative sleep props.

Almost all parents - human and other mammalian - throughout the world and throughout history instinctively nurse and sleep with babies. It's what mammals do. Marsupial babies are rocked constantly with their mother's movements.

Ezzo says 'to naturally and beautifully enhance restful sleep' we must 'establish a basic routine' which involves imposing an unnatural (not occurring in Nature) schedule upon the baby. This requires a separate room, a clock and a crib, none of which occur in Nature.

Did you get that? The feeding schedule is what he considers "natural and beautiful" but the naturally occurring behaviour is called the "prop!"

The book's subtitle claims it to be "that natural way" to train babies to sleep through the night.

Nature ensures survival of mammals through close, nurturing relationships with their mothers, enhanced by lactation hormones. Ezzo's method denies human babies this natural  human relationship of nursing, rocking, and sleeping close by, labelling this behaviour "addictive," but he says finding comfort in an inanimate object "such as a special blanket or stuffed animal ... harmless."

Several other not-so-natural props are deemed necessary to raise a child naturally and beautifully:

pg 130 - "Start at one month of age with the playpen. A four-week-old baby can spend some waketime in an infant seat placed inside the playpen in view of a mobile. Also, allow the child to take a nap in the playpen once in a while."
pg 174 - "If a child is not comforted by the swing, an infant seat, sibling, grandma, or you, consider the crib. At least there he may fall asleep."
pg 188 - "For twentieth-century parents, the crib is one of the most basic pieces of baby furniture they will own. Give thought to the one you will buy or borrow. After all, nearly half of your child's existence for the first eighteen months of life will be spent in it."
pg 189 - "You will use the infant seat from day one and use it more than any other piece of equipment in the early weeks and months."
pg 190 - "Once parents have their infant's eating and sleeping patterns under control, it's time to do the same with waketime activities. This goal is best accomplished by using the playpen, an invaluable piece of equipment."

Notice that last entry. Read it again. What is the parent's goal?
Is that your goal?
When you first thought about becoming a parent, what was your goal?

 To read about some other creative use of terminology, read Adventures in Ezzoland, written by a former employee of Gary Ezzo, here.
 Or have a look at the Ezzospeak Dictionary here.

Granny Analogy

Happy Acres Home for the Aged

Welcome to your new home!

 The follow is a list of our expectations for your elderly loved one.

Elderly people are no longer growing, so they don't need to be fed as often as youngsters and we feel two meals a day is sufficient. Since regularity is key to preventing Geriatric Metabolic Chaos, feeding times will be regular, but we are very flexible about the time:
6-7am and pm, or 7-8 am,pm.

A regular routine like this will prevent constipation, indigestion, diabetes. These are all common problems among their elderly, but in our experience these ailments can avoid that through regularity in eating and sleeping habits.

If Granny refuses to eat at the meal set out for her, make her wait until the next one. We can't have people snacking all day and night. Even Alzheimers clients quickly can learn this fact.

Bedtime or naptime will be two hours after the meal. Alzheimers clients can become easily confused and agitated. Regularity in sleep habits will minimize this. When a client indicates a desire for staff attention during night hours, staff will use the following method to evaluate need.

1. Listen - for the type of call. This will help us evaluate the client's normal pattern and distinguish the different tones and patterns in the voice.
2. Take Action based on what you have heard and concluded. Just remember, sometimes the best action is no action at all. For example, if granny is clean, fed and ready for bed, let her learn to fall asleep in her new surroundings. If you try to comfort a client, you have only succeeded in manipulating her sleep - digging that big, black hole of endless sleepless nights into the next several years.
3. Take note of how long your client cries. It might seem difficult, but you may note that the client's outburst really only lasted 10 minutes.

PS
As a matter of hygiene, all male clients must be circumcised. They may become very agitated during the procedure so restraints will be used. It may appear very traumatic at the time, but since the elderly don't feel pain in the same way as younger folks, they are just reacting to the strange circumstances than exhibiting any reaction to actual pain.
In any case, it doesn't matter - they won't remember it.